Busy Busy Dummy Free!!!

Just thought I'd do a separate general life post seen as it's been 5 days since I blogged!!!

The reason for the lack of blogging is simply - we've been busy! It's so nice to be having a bit of a life!

We (Baby Bear and I) went to her God Mothers for dinner and it was lovely, Chilean hot dogs, and Baby Bear sat in a grown up chair! Very cute and thankfully she was well behaved!!! I love how Granny R (Godmothers Mum) adores Baby Bear and literally treats her as her own grandchild, Baby Bear loves her!

We made the big decision to get rid of the dummy's! Baby Bear is only 10 and a half months but the scale was starting to tip - she was waking multiple times a night just for her dummy. We started by removing it from car journeys as she normally falls asleep quickly whilst traveling - it was a success, so the next step was while out in the pram which seems so far to have gone well. We then stepped up our game and removed it at bedtime - ekkkkk! It's actually gone really well, yes she's cried a bit more at bed time but she's settling better and better as the nights go on, the last two nights she's slept through from 8pm until 6am ish, which is earlier than usual but shes doing well so I cant really complain. She's falling into a deeper sleep as on the times she has waken its so different to how she used to. Its little snuffly muffled noises opposed to full pelt I'm being murdered screaming! Nap times are possibly the worst as its day light but were getting there. Daddy Panda struggles a lot more with this but Baby Bear has always played up for him at bedtime - she knows Daddy will let her get away with a bit more than Mummy.

Yesterday we went to a christening - Baby Bears cousin. It was really bizarre as the second we walked in I realised the dress is the same as Baby Bears christening dress - good taste must run in the family! It was lovely and the Priest was really good, it's one of the best christening services I've been to as it didn't feel like it was an auto pilot service. There were mentions to the family's relationship with the church and other religious ceremonies.

Afterwards we went to the pub - of course! It was a roasting day but we ate the curry provided none the less! Baby Bear had a 3 course meal - sandwiches to start, curry for a main followed by a huge amount of grapes and melon! We had applied factor 50 sunscreen to her before leaving the house but reapplied it after her dinner and off we went to play outside! Daddy Panda decided to play football with his brother and some of the older children. What a mistake for him to make - he was wearing smart shoes with little grip and within 10 minutes he'd fallen over and quite badly damaged his hands. I didn't see it all happen but shortly afterwards he came over with 3 tiny plasters and two hands covered in pulsating blood!

Freak out time! My stomach was turning and in my head I just kept thinking "don't freak out", I was surrounded by Daddy Panda's family and I couldn't let them see me in my true freak out mode. Instead from somewhere - I'm not sure where - I pulled a pretty decent act out of my bag! Daddy Panda said it was burning so i placed two baby wipes over his hands to try and cool it a bit and stem some of the bleeding. It was clear that the plasters supplied were not going to cover it. I popped to the shop across from the pub and thankfully they had travel first aid kits in their seasonal section as they had no plasters or first aid products else where!

Back to the pub where I cleaned up Daddy Panda's hands and wrapped them up! I don't think I did too bad considering I was close to throwing up! The whole section of his palms near his wrist on both hands has no skin left on it and although it is just a graze its a huge surface area and looked disgusting! Am so proud of myself though. This could have been a total breakdown point for me but it wasn't and I even heard someone comment on how good I was! Seems the first aider in me shone through and kicked the crazy me's butt!

Why is it a crime?

Am so fed up of people asking "When are you going to have another?" and then looking at me with disgust when I say I wouldn't have another child! I don't share the nitty gritty with everyone especially not strangers making small talk with me, but why is it so socially unacceptable to only want one child?

I bumped into a neighbour the other day, who saw how crippled by spd I was, and knew I ended up back in hospital. We made small talk, spoke about Baby Bear and the fact her birthday is NEXT MONTH!! She asked when we'd have another and I replied with we wouldn't have another, I feel I'm armed with multiple reasons for this and here's just a few...

1. Its not fair to bring another child into the world when we literally don't have space for them - and are still living with my Mum.
2. Its certainly not fair to Baby Bear to have to risk her Mummy becoming crippled during pregnancy again,
3. I would never risk my life again not now I know just how much I have to live for!

My neighbour then compared me to a fellow neighbour (who since moving to our street has had multiple police raids, her husband has beaten her, she's had twins, she's been driving a stolen car with her children in, her husband has grown drugs in the children's "playhouse" and he's dealt drugs from the property - thankfully he's now in prison after knocking over 25 people in a horrific hit and run and is being detained indefinitely) who is pregnant with her fifth child (she's the same age as me) and said "Ohh look at **** if she can do it you should", I was so angry, I do not want to be compared to people like her, yes I don't work but I already have childcare in place for when Baby Bear goes to school so I can return to work as soon as possible without having to worry about covering the school holidays, school pick ups and drops offs are covered by me and Daddy Panda, and we wont have to rely on benefits to fund our lifestyle! I didn't choose to have Baby Bear but now she's here I'd never jeopardise her quality of life by risking my own life!

I feel really angry as I get lots of questions and advice about having more children, but I'm just not interested! People seem to assume that because Baby Bear is such a good happy content baby that that should be enough for me to have more! Rather insensitively people don't seem to realise (people we know) that i could have been forced to have a hysterectomy - and what if i had, would they still be as tactless to suggest i have another baby then?

Dentist Drama

Once again it seems I cant even achieve the small things in life.

I woke up yesterday morning with killer toothache and a swollen gum! Was agony and I've not been in pain since giving birth! Called the dentist (someone i loathe) and managed to get an appointment for noon.

I must have been driven by the pain as normally the dentist sends me a bit loopy anyway - I put it down to no one ever warning me that having braces removed feels like they're ripping all your teeth out! I was getting slightly panicky so decided to go out and do errands on my way to the dentist.

Went to Aldi for some fresh veggies for Baby Bear - Aldi is really good for value on fresh stuff and its practically our local shop anyway. We then went on to the library to see what books they had on sleep and weaning off dummy's/bottles. Then on our way to the dentist.

Its a fair walk but it helped to walk out some of my fear/panic etc. Managed to get to the dentist early - which was a huge mistake, and registered Baby Bear. My anxiety sky rocketed and the thought of what awaited me was too much. The clinical side of it, the lying on a bed being examined, the lights, the ceiling tiles, that smell.

I was only in the room 5 minutes but I couldn't get out quick enough - be it shaking and crying as I ran out the door. Its moments like that where i realise how truly crappy my life is, and although i got myself there (a huge thing for me as I avoid things that cause high anxiety) I still wasn't in control and didn't cope well, where as normally I'd at least get out the door before crying!

Thankfully there was a light in the tunnel yesterday, Baby Bear's boyfriend (one of them) had his first birthday party! Very exciting as  his mum has been amazing and really helped me feel like a normal mum since meeting her (we went to both primary and secondary school together but our paths never crossed as much as they do now) and its the start of birthday season! Next in line is Baby Bear ekkkkkk!

I am a keen baker although I don't feel my skills are up to business standard - although I do enjoy the practice. I made the Birthday Boy's cake - a number 1 shaped monster in green and yellow. I never realised how difficult it was to find inspiration for boys cakes! Its either football or TV characters. It was nice to see it appreciated - normally my cakes go into my mums work and I never see or hear the yummy noises people make while eating them!

Well Baby Bear has awoke from her nap and I need to get sorted as we have a dinner date with her God Mother!

Fathers Day

Yesterday was a busy one! Fathers Day, Family reunions - or first meetings in some cases, and a lovely little lady's celebration day.

All of which deserve a mention.

Fathers Day - well Daddy Panda has been looking forward to this one since Mothers Day! We had a bit of a grumpy start as Baby Bear had been up in the night and i once again struggled to get to sleep. I used the wake up call to my advantage and went downstairs to decorate the living room. Baby Bear had gotten Daddy Panda a "BEST DADDY" banner with a certificate aswell. Her gift to him was a Spiderman T-shirt and a book for him to read as all men do - on the loo!

We also treated Daddy Panda to a full breakfast - even though it was at lunch time! Baby Bear was more than happy to help eat it! She had some sausage beans and eggy bread, we attempted to give her bacon but she was struggling and if she hadn't licked it all over Daddy Panda was willing to relieve her of it!

In the evening we had plans with Daddy Panda's family, some of whom are over from America. It was the first time some of us were meeting and the first time Baby Bear was meeting everyone as well as her beautiful cousin, who's 6 months older than her. We went for good old pub grub, and to be brutally honest I was disappointed with it, an hours wait for food, no ice, and everyone sat fanning themselves with menu's, yes it was Fathers Day but come on turn the air con on at least!

Baby Bear had a Sunday Roast, and despite me asking for it to be gravy free, it came with gravy! I sent it back - something I've never done before! However when it comes to my daughter I am conscous of what she eats, particularly hidden salt! Her meal came back and it had clearly been stuck in a microwave! The carrots and broccoli were still raw but by this point it was 2 hours after Baby Bears normal dinner time so i gave up the fight, given when shopping Baby Bear like biting the head off bits of broccoli! Thankfully she ate the majority of her dinner - after the custom "I'll chuck this bit on the floor" routine.

Baby Bear can be a bit of a nightmare when off routine and she doesn't cope very well at all, we only go off routine once in a blue moon so it's not too bad but we're very aware of her dislike of change. If its 8.10pm and she's not in bed the "grogs" take over and she becomes a screaming tantruming child, so during the meal I was overall impressed with how she coped, she wasn't perfect but what do you expect from a hungry tired 10 month old?

Baby Bear was recognised whilst we were out, by someone Daddy Panda used to work with (someone I've not met) so it was a bit odd as Daddy Panda was at the bar! I think Baby Bears cuteness is infamous now and she will be recognised before her parents for a long time. We had a lovely time and got some gorgeous snaps of the babies together (shall hopefully upload one after I've spoken to the family).

We made it home for 10pm and Baby Bear was clearly tired but surprisingly didn't fall asleep in the car! Bedtime became a bit of a trial but once she was in her cot she knew it was going to be ok. I stupidly thought "wahooooo lie in tomorrow", how foolish of me? 7am and she was awake! Thankfully she's having a nap now and hopefully it'll be a long one.

Due to the huge distance between us and Daddy Panda's family they weren't aware of what happened to me. It was kind of nice to have someone look at me like a normal mum for once! Conversation naturally flowed round to children, for Grandad how did it feel for his children to be all grown up, and does he not want anymore? For me it was "when are you having a second" thankfully Daddy Panda jumped in to my rescue with the answer of "we'd adopt the next one". I have never loved him more, he saved me from having to answer but also said something that reassured me our future is on the same page.

From this of course came the questions as to why we would choose not to have more children, so we briefly explained that I was seriously ill after having Baby Bear and for us she is the most important thing in the world and it's not fair to her for us to risk it all again. She deserves a Mummy and a Daddy and as long as its within our power we will be there for her.

Yesterday was also an amazing friends, Daughters celebration day, we had wanted to be there and up until Friday we were still trying. I'm desperate for someone to develop some form of teleportation device, so getting from Manchester to Aberdeen is easier! It seems long distance travel with a small child is impossible! The timings just dont work!
I'm sure the day was beautiful and I know they felt our love and support despite the distance.

and of course the talk turns to trauma.

It seems in this house nothing ever seems to be a "normal" conversation.

We've just watched an old episode of CSI:NY, and Daddy Panda didn't realise that Mac's wife was killed in the 9/11 tragedy (in the plot) so it lead to some discussion, as the episode showed how Mac and his wife came to be in NY.

This led to a conversation about how "you cant blame yourself for things you can't foresee" the conversation continued and we spoke about "blame" and how life can be so completely different despite the best intentions. This then led my thoughts to what happened to me.

Now I have hindsight - I'd never have another baby, the question is can I be blamed for that? Also I started to question what the "culprits" of my birth trauma think and feel. Do they blame themselves for what happened to me? Do they even know the extent to which their mistake has affected my life?

I'm sat here wondering if my experience has affected them, did they doubt their ability to do their job? Did they become more alert in their job role? I want to know if their life changed as mine did? Do they go home at night and find they're so wracked with guilt about what could have been that they don't sleep?

It's a family affair

Overall today has been GOOD!

Wahoooooooooooo!

Who'd have thought it hey? Good days are possible.

We've spent the afternoon with Daddy Panda's Dad and his family, including Baby Bears favourite family member - Kia the dog!

Baby Bear just adores her, they play fetch together and I'm totally convinced that in a past life my daughter must have been a dog! Baby Bear decided to share her lunch with the dog, much to Kia's delight.

It's been a nice chilled day and I love being able to spend it with loving and supportive family, sadly not all our family members are like that. It's Fathers Day tomorrow, and due to Daddy Panda's Uncle being on a rare visit to the UK were having dinner together. I can't wait they'll be three Daddy's round one table!

I cant really say much about our Fathers Day plans but am excited to share it with Daddy Panda, it's his first fathers day and I'm hoping its filled with good memories and not tainted by my trauma.

Cant Sleep Wont Sleep

Urghhhhhh.

Another night where I just cant sleep! Clearly I haven't learnt that taking a shower before bed is not the best thing to do. I now feel sick and shaky, my legs feel like their covered in jam and no amount of washing is getting rid of it. I just want to sleep it all away. I hate that I'm so self pitying at the moment. I'm stronger than this! Why am I so emotional?

I am close to tears, all I wanted is to have a full nights sleep! I don't want to have to take this pill and that pill and be a walking zombie just to sleep and get through the day.

It's not fair, my daughter deserves better, she didn't ask for this and neither did I!

I want to fall into bed exhausted from a day full of fun and joy, not exhausted from just trying to function. I want to do more, I want to enjoy more, instead of feeling so bittersweet about it all. My daughter is beautiful and hilarious and everyone loves her happy little soul but every new thing she learns is painful to me. I cant stop thinking "I could have missed this"

Sometimes I think "Why God" other times I think "How did the medical staff make such a big mistake" I'm a woman of faith and to be questioning things like this is hard for me.

I don't believe the staff were malicious, I think they were just human, like the rest of us and haven't we all made a mistake at work, in life?

I'm sickened by the images in my head, images that I'm sure are worse than the actual event was. I've spoken to my mum previously about how I felt now looking back I was screaming alot when in reality I was calm. It's funny how time changes your perception.

Everyone seems to say "time heals" well in my case it doesn't, it makes it worse.

I'm dedicating so much of my daily life to this one incident and I wish I wasn't.

I just want to be normal!

I just want to worry about normal mummy stuff!

grumpy mummy

Arghhhh I feel so bad! Baby Bear has done my head in tonight, basically all she's done is be a baby! Toys everywhere and all she wants to do is drink daddy's beer and destroy the laptop!

Decided to take her for a bath and let her show off her skills to Daddy Panda, She can now crawl up stairs (only with supervision) and instead of listening to me he carried her up to the bathroom! RAURGHHHH! Managed to get him to bath her though thus avoiding the bathroom for another day while I pottered about and cleaned the hall carpet where Baby Bear decided to do a wee before bath time!

Feeling really tired now and frustrated but its the weekend now and Daddy Pandas off! Yay! Hopefully it'll be a good enough day tomorrow to go for a walk, we have plenty of bread to feed the ducks! Daddy Panda's family are over so hopefully we'll have a family meal on Sunday with 3 daddy's at the same table! Then it'll be back to work for Daddy Panda and back to coping with my demons alone on Monday.

tears at bedtime

Well, there were tears at bedtime in this house last night.

We (Daddy Panda and I) watched the Tonight show - Maternity in Crisis. Obviously it was going to be upsetting but I felt I needed to watch. A fellow Birth Trauma Mummy told me it was on as she featured in it. I was shocked and upset by the stories it told, but felt reassured that I had made the right choice re: telling my story to Panorama.

One of the most shocking stories on there was about how a father lost his wife and child due to the lack of care, it was heartbreaking for me as the words "kidney and liver failure" were used and were caused by the neglect of the midwifes and failure to spot a serious complication, the same situation I found myself in less than a year ago.

To see so clearly a man who was in love so broken made me want to hold Daddy Panda all the more and tell him how much I loved him and our Baby Bear, and although I was nearly taken from them I'm here and that's all that matters now.

I spoke to my Mum this morning about it (she was working and missed it) and it clearly upset her too, its understandable though isn't it? That could have been me, all that was in it was a matter of minutes, possibly even seconds. Nothing will ever remove that all I can do now is look to the future and make the best out of my "lot"

Also I best tell you about Panorama hey? It all came about thanks to BTA, they were looking for people to speak to the media and my story has previously been in Pregnancy and Birth, I'm far from a fame hungry 24 year old who you see on Big Brother, but I feel there's a need to put it out there and do all I can to help women avoid this situation and also inform them that there is help and hope out there. I submitted my story and someone from the BBC got back to me, they were keen to share my story and liked my attitude. They came and we filmed and were now in the process of getting hold of birth notes etc.

The process actually kick started me into seeking answers, and more importantly becoming fully informed about what happened and why. I don't blame anyone for what happened, sometimes I'm angry and sometimes I'm not, sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I'm not. All I can do is take each day as it is.

I would like to just disappear, am sick of having to avoid the blinking bathroom!

I hate this, hate living like this because I dont actually feel like I'm living. I've just had yet another flashback, and really all I want to do is to close my eyes and for it to all go away, but now I have visions of hospitals, blood, carparks, and that feeling of nausea and faintness comes rushing back.

I really need a shower - have needed one since Monday evening - its now Thursday but I just cant bear to go into the bathroom which when ever I'm there I just see it covered in blood, my blood. I cant get into the shower because my legs always feel sticky, like they did and nothing ever seems to take that away.

I do what I have to, I bathe my daughter and wash her hair but if I can get her Daddy to do it I will, I just hate that room, thank God for the downstairs loo!

its been a while.

Well hasn't it just. I feel awful for having neglected this for as long as I have. The truth of it is, it got too much, there was too much going on and I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it.

so I'm starting a fresh, from today!

Were in the middle of sorting baby bears christening/first birthday party! I can not believe its nearly been a year! some days I think I'm doing really well other times I think I'm a crap mum and I'm not coping at all.

I don't feel like a normal mum, but I try very hard to tell myself, no I'm not a "normal" mum, I'm a birth trauma mum, who's lucky enough to have not just been blessed with my daughters life but also my own, I am here thanks to the amazing medical staff at the hospital, and due to God wanting me here.

Its hard to be positive all the time but I've got to live, I cant squander this chance. I don't want my daughter to suffer because I'm not coping.

Hello!!!

No post yesterday, mainly because Daddy Panda wangled an extra day off wahoooo - which he used to annoy the hell out of me! I didn't feel it was fair to him for me to come on here and have a grumble about it when really he puts up with a lot and does alot for me and Baby Bear and really it was just little things that after 3 days together were getting to me!

Once again Daddy Pandas Mum claimed she would be coming to see Baby Bear this weekend - once again she failed to keep her promise and I think this hasn't helped me be less on edge. I really want to write to her and tell her exactly what I think and exactly what she needs to do if she wants to have the right to call herself "Grandma". Still no word from Daddy Panda's brother who I messaged last week inviting him round on Wednesday! Another one I really want to lay the law down with! Am questioning if its all worth it? All it will achieve is a load of grief for Daddy Panda and I'm pretty sure he's feeling as angry and hurt by it as I am!

Today incase you haven't heard is possibly one of the most important football matches for my home town! Manchester City v Manchester Utd at Wembly! Football fever has definitely hit the city more so than the royal wedding! I'm sure if you'd given my street an option to have a street party today they'd have leapt at it! My neighbour let off 11 blue and white balloons at kick off - although it was a spectacular fail as there's no wind and they just fell to the floor!

Were a strong city family, and my brother has travelled down from Durham to watch the match with Mancunians and will be staying with us for a few days, which I'm sure Baby Bear will love! Shes changed so much since he last saw her and we'll be going up to his house on Easter Sunday and hopefully we'll get to spend some time with my nephew!

Today has been lovely weather wise and we made the most of it - we took Baby Bear to a bring and buy sale where we snapped up some clothes for both her and my nephew - 6 items for £1! We bought some toys, including a ladybird on a stick push along toy for the grand price of 10p! We then wandered up a bit more and visited Chorlton's Green Festival! We stumbled upon it last year when I was pregnant and its really a community event. This year it was bigger and better - it had beer! It also had Cbeebies Mr Bloom! Sadly Baby Bear had fallen asleep by this point - its a shame really as she loves his singing vegetables!

Once we got home we decided to do the garden, my mum cut the grass and then me and Baby Bear laid out the blankets and played in the garden! We had a play and Baby Bear did her normal trick of crawling away to get at the grass! We've decided to drop the third bottle during the day so now she's just having one when she wakes up and one at bed, judging by the amount she eats and how long she's been going between meals we don't feel she needs it anymore, instead we've swapped it for juice and a snack. Today's snack was served in the garden and it was Baby Bears favourite - JELLY! She absolutely loves it and was jumping up and down to get it in quicker!

I'm baking lots of treats for my best friends birthday tea party - which happens to be on the same day as the royal wedding, and whilst feeding Baby Bear jelly in the garden i had a brain wave - jelly's in tea cups! I think it'd be lovely so i am now on the hunt for nice tea cups and saucers! Sadly we saw two sets today we could have picked up if my brain had been functioning but never mind, my mums off school this week so thankfully have access to a car if i stumble across some on my travels, and my travels may be a little wider this week!

Well I'm off to eBay to search for more tea party goodies - have just bought a lovely white 6 tier cake stand! Now to look for lovely cake cases!

Well today were having a nice quiet day. We went to the local park and after my blog the other day where I said I was lucky to have so much green space near by I thought I'd upload some pictures from today's walk. The weathers nice enough no sun though so the park was quite bar the usual dog walkers. I'm posting this whilst waiting for Daddy Panda's Dad to come pick us up as we'll spend the rest of the day there.

I love blossoms!

SQUIRREL!

Who knew there was a bird watching hut in our local park?

When I was a child I'm sure this was a fully flowing stream but I may be wrong!

Huge grassy bits and this isn't even the football field!

From bud to bloom!

How amazing is this unusual lady bird - I've never seen one with this colouring before!

The Old Bandstand.

Last of the Daffies!

Closer shot of The Old Bandstand

This is a picture of the play area so far not a single one of my local friends has any clue how any child is meant to play on this part. Daddy Panda described it as "like a car that's crashed into a bus stop and this is what was left behind".

I don't really know what word would describe today, Its been good but I still feel like I could cry at any moment. so on edge and so hormonal I think! Its like a minefield at the moment just getting through a day without annoying or upsetting myself let alone anyone else!

Last night was a bit of a toughie as Baby Bear decided to howl just as we sat down with dinner and not settle even though she was almost falling back to sleep. I've got to admit I did the bad mummy thing and picked her up - normally we don't which is why we have a baby that once is in bed self settles and goes to sleep. Her cry was unlike any I've previously heard from her so when she didn't settle or stop crying when I picked her up I gave her some calpol, I figured possibly some more teeth are attempting to come through but wasn't armed with teething gel at the time, I found a travel pouch thing of calpol so gave her that and then she settled back down. She woke at 2am just for her dummy and then was awake and making noise from 7am.

I refused to get up as Daddy Panda said he would sort her out in the morning, although by the time he heard her or decided to do anything about it it was too late I was awake and once again in a foul mood. I'm yet to have a full nights sleep and it is really getting to me now. there's only so much trying to sleep I can do! This morning we had a play date with a lovely lady and her 10 month old daughter. We attempted to go to a local cafe but it turns out it didn't open until 11am so we walked up to our local MC Donald's which luckily has a soft play area and we grabbed a drink.

I took Baby Bear round some local charity shops, we picked up some good stuff. Mainly I go to charity shops as at the moment I'm still carrying baby weight and I refuse to buy full priced clothes just to have to buy more when I lose weight - which in all fairness I'm not actually making any effort to lose at the moment! Also we read bedtime stories to Baby Bear every night and I really want her to be confident and used to books, she currently has two bookcases full of books and a third full of soft toys, I don't think I personally have ever bought her a brand new book, I cant justify spending close and sometimes over £10 for a book I could pick up for a fraction of the price from a charity shop. I also pick up odds and ends for Baby Bears wardrobe from them as she grows so quickly and we're pretty skint its a good way to keep her clothed!

I rang Daddy Panda and got him to come and get Baby Bear at 12.30 as she'd be wanting some lunch and I fancied a bit of alone time, all I did was catch a bus down to the next village and have a wander in the shops. I decided to treat myself to a latte from Costa but walked in to a massive queue so treated myself to some Marks and Spencer's welsh cakes instead! These are one of my favourite sweet treats and I don't know why no where but Marks and Spencer's sell them! Maybe its because were not in Wales?

I came home to big smiles from Baby Bear and then wrote this! I really want to talk about a programme that aired on BBC Three last night called "Is breast best?" but in all honesty I couldn't watch it, for one I'm not keen on the presenter and then I was appalled by the young people they were talking to about breast feeding, - these mums didn't seem to be a real representative of young mums and I'm sure many were just as disgusted with their attitude as I was "boobs are for sex not for babies" as if! I'm a failed breast feeder due to my bodies inability to make milk - who knew that having a huge piece of placenta left in your uterus would make breastfeeding a million times harder! I ended up feeling like rubbish after watching about 10 minutes of the programme and decided I'm not going to let a stupid TV show make me feel bad, it may sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet but... I AM AMAZING! I am, I've not had a total meltdown despite my flashbacks, nightmares and general PTSD induced issues, I have been brave enough to be honest and seek help, and I'm starting to feel more like other mums opposed to feeling segregated from them. I can see more positives than negatives and my daughter is an absolute dream child who is making my life alot easier baby rearing wise than other babies are for their mums. So I'm happy regardless of not breastfeeding and not having a natural birth - stuff it nothing in this life is perfect, were only given what we can cope with.

Baby Bear is asleep, with one sock on - I cant for the life of me find the other one! It must be somewhere amongst the mess Baby Bears created! I truly can't be bothered to tidy it up as the second she wakes it'll be back in its current state!

Am not having the best of days today, had barely any sleep and to add to my grumpiness its "that" time of the month! I hate it, I used to breeze through them but since the trauma I feel physically sick the whole time and terrified that it wont end. I actually limit toilet visits so I don't have to see the blood. I'm shaking just writing about it and thinking about it! It feels like the trauma was in a past life now but then once a month it becomes scarily real again!

Am incredibly tired and actually cant concentrate enough to type any more! Might post again later if anything exciting happens!

I'm hoping that i can officially say "Today has been WONDERFUL!"

My mummy friend came round for lunch and a play date, her baby boy is just adorable! He's roughly 6 weeks younger than Baby Bear and gave his mum a bit of a shock when he came 4 weeks early! He's a lovely giggly little boy and its so nice to have boy about for Baby Bear to play with. Most of Baby Bears friends and similar aged family members are girls and as much as she loves all people, boys are definitely a favourite!

We had a lovely chilled out lunch the babies had their first "lunch date" and Baby Boy even met Daddy Panda, not bad going considering its the first time he's been to our house! Daddy Panda seemed quite taken with him especially as he got big smiles from him as well as Baby Bear! We walked on to the park after lunch and i realise just how lucky i am to have so much green space surrounding us considering how close to the town centre we are. Sadly the park was showing the effects of a sunny weekend, lots of litter and sadly a bit of fly tipping too! Someone abandoned a broken pushchair on one of the much used football pitches, soon after we passed a graffittied bench which had what must have been a stolen smashed up mobile phone! We had a big long walk chatting away and ended up at the swings! It was Baby Boy's first go in a swing and he acted all cool and chilled in it! Baby Bear giggled away to herself from the second she was put in her swing! We captured some lovely pictures of the two of them and it was so nice!

Daddy Panda finally heard about the job interview - He got it! YAY!!! It's working in an express stores bakery so means early starts -5.30am but it also means he's going to be home for EVERY bed time!!! We'll be able to establish a proper family routine and he gets Fridays and Saturdays off which to me is wonderful! We get one weekend day which means we can be a bit more like other families but with having the Friday off we still get the perks of going swimming when its not jam packed or going shopping and play centres when they're not heaving! Very excited about this and really hope it means life is finally going to get better!!!

I feel like my facebook page often reads like an episode of Jeremy Kyle! A relative who has a young baby has discovered her partner has stolen the babies money without her even knowing. Once again she's slagging him off on facebook and although he's not Mr perfect they're both parents and although young their both adults, they made a baby together and really need to stop being so stupid and childish and put the child they made together first! I know its not easy but my gosh if I can do it I'm sure they can!

Baby Bear has been very cute this evening and has practiced crawling a bit more, she ended the day belly flopped out on the living room floor, bib in one hand and falling asleep. Unbelievably cute, it was only 8.10pm which goes to show she literally cant go half an hour over her bedtime! Am so glad she has such a good routine and she tends to cope quite well with small changes to it during the day, I'm getting the feeling that soon we'll be able to drop the afternoon bottle but really want to encourage her to drink other fluids, yesterday she had a whole sippee cup of very watery juice, but today she's managed just under half - am thinking that's to do with it being much cooler today but despite constantly offering it her I don't know how else to encourage her to drink it!

A friend from my on line forum has ended up in hospital this week, due to an abscess in her boob! I feel so bad for her as she's been amazing through every stage and astounded me by going back to work not long after her daughters birth, I want so desperately for my mummy friends lives's to work out and for baby rearing to be easy for them as they all deserve it! Their babies are wonderful and I am immensely proud of them!

Well of too watch a bit of TV and then make dinner for when Daddy Panda gets home from work! Only 2 weeks until he starts his new job!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm so angry!!! We've been to the family Sunday lunch today and as always my aunt has found a way to make my blood boil! The short of it is she's booked a 4 day holiday (in the UK) starting on Baby Bears Birthday! So angry about it as we've been saying since Christmas we're planning to get her christened on her birthday to do the two at once as we really feel it'll be a good time to start as a fresh without all the horrid stuff we've had to work through this year! I cant believe she's going on holiday - she was away in America last year when Baby Bear was born and as a result made no effort to come see her until their paths crossed as my gran had a stroke (gran lives very close to us). I know some people will think I should get over it and its no big deal but it is, it really is! The same aunt previously asked her cousins children (same age range as me) to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me, and then uninvited Daddy Panda!

The lunch went well Baby Bear was doted on by my cousins - both boys who spent most of their time trying to make her laugh! We ordered our food as soon as we'd chosen as its a pay when you order type place and we did this so Baby Bears food would be first so it could hopefully cool before everyone elses came, however it didn't happen like that and Baby Bears was one of the last out! As soon as she saw our plates she was reaching out trying to get some rice from Daddy Panda and chips from Mummy Tiddles! We ordered her fish fingers and chips, her first taste of both, sadly the kids menu was limited as to food she would eat - everything has to be pick up-able so anything too wet is a no go! I also packed food she could eat if there was nothing on the menu or she didn't take it but she did so i was very proud of her. We ordered her pudding - jelly, as Daddy Panda likes jelly and would finish off what ever was left so for £1.45 it was worth it, turns out Baby Bear wanted the whole lot! Greedy girl!

We sat out in the sun for a while with Baby Bear wearing a lovely big sunhat that I am in love with! We came home and started the epic challenge of putting all of Baby Bears "stuff" into storage! Well there's a lot of it! About 5 big vac bags full of outgrown clothes, a play nest, bouncer, bath seat, play mat, travel play mat, toys, cot top changer, moses basket and stand, breast pumps, and god knows what else! Mummy Tiddles, Daddy Panda and Granny were on the team and thankfully mainly due to sorting it out as we went along over the last 8 months, it took about 10 minutes to get it all put in the loft! WELL DONE TEAM!

Baby Bear is really taking steps towards walking and last night during bath time she finally got both feet under her and pulled her chubby little self up to standing! She then let go of the bath handles because she was so excited so I had hold of her and she just laughed her head off the whole time she was standing! She's so amazing and now she's attempting it when ever she can! Sadly we don't have much in the living room for her to practice on but she tries it when sitting in her cot - something that only happens when I'm putting her clothes away! Until she learns to get herself to sitting we're still safe but as soon as she manages that she'll be standing up in the mornings when she wakes up - then of course comes the climbing out of the cot! So am happy for her to be taking her time!

Daddy Panda's mum rang to inform us she's sick and wouldn't be coming after all this weekend - what a surprise! I knew I needn't get my hopes up that she'd actually be interested in her granddaughter but its most definitely her loss not mine! Tomorrow we have an at home play date, as someones coming to do our gas safety check but they couldn't give us an approximate time so its a wait in all day event! Boooo hiss!

Oh also in an event that could only happen to me, I was taking the recycling out last night in the dark and just slipped my ballet pumps on and ran out - only to encounter a hedgehog! It was not a pleasant meeting as I strode into him and ended up kicking him up the bum! poor thing balled up and prickled the hell out of my foot! It drew blood and I now have countless pinprick marks on my foot!

Well, no post yesterday - bad mummy! To be totally honest I just couldn't face it. I feel like crying now but I really couldn't be bothered yesterday, and the bad mood has put me into a downer today, I'm sure its some sort of cycle!

Yesterday there was a local blood donor session but as I couldn't give blood I roped a friend into doing it for me! I'm very proud of her, even though when they tested her iron was too low but to be honest it meant more to me that she would try! She has two lovely boys and she was the only one of my friends to actually man up and attempt it, so am feeling very let down that even though I have lots of "friends" not one of them would actually do something for me and help give back to a service that saved my life TWICE!!!

Anyway to positive things, we took the babies to the park and sat and played and Baby Bear had her first date with a boy! Very cute and they seemed to have a good old chinwag and it was nice to just be out of the house taking advantage of lovely weather! We stayed in the park for a few hours and got home around 5pm-ish. Daddy Panda was home early-ish (6.30pm) so he got lots of time with happy Baby Bear before bedtime.

Daddy Panda's Mum aka MIL had rung during the week to day she was planning a visit to Manchester without her husband and would she be able to come and see Baby Bear on Saturday or Sunday - I was over the moon! I wish MIL would come more often, I have no issues with her what so ever and really want her to feel like she's Baby Bears Grandma, not just a person she see's at birthdays and Christmas. Baby Bear is such a pleasant baby but it takes her a while to form true relationships with people, it took a long time for Grandad and her to get on but Grandad persevered and now it can be weeks until we see him but she knows its her Grandad! It's the same with my uncle, he was the first member of my family to arrive at hospital to see her when she was born and he tries to come round once a month if he can, I'm sure he'd be here every week if he could. I think this is why i just don't understand why MIL and BIL (Daddy Panda's brother) don't come round more often.

Baby Bear is growing fast and looks like her next target is to pull herself to standing - she's already half way there! She's currently eating her lunch, today its soft cheese on crackers and cucumber. I'm really struggling with new meal idea's for her, especially food's to take out and about with us! She point blank refuses puree' and jar food now and often its a struggle to get her to take yogurt off a spoon! She's so fiercely independent its hard to remember she's just 8 months old!

Tomorrow is an exciting day as my Mum's family are getting together for a pub lunch! Were hoping to re-jig Baby Bears schedule a little bit, she'll have breakfast and bottle as normal, but were hoping to move her after nap bottle to 12.30pm so she'd full until 2pm when were meeting for lunch, as even if she eats her normal lunch at home no one will get any peace at 2pm if she's not eating with us! I hope it works, she's such a grump when her routines messed with, she literally doesn't tolerate staying up even half an hour past bed time! After Emmerdale is very firmly bottle and bed time, and on the occasions we've been out to a wedding or at a friends for dinner she's a grizzly little thing the whole time were out and for the next few days afterwards! Am hoping by keeping the morning and bedtime routine the same she wont be too troublesome!

Today I attempted to find some friends to go to the park with, it turns out I have none! It is a Saturday after all and to be fair to them, most work Mon-Fri 9-5 so weekends especially sunny ones become family/partner time, which then leaves me with just Baby Bear for company as Daddy Panda doesn't often get a weekend day off let alone two in a row! Occasionally he has a Mon and Tues off which is good as we can go swimming and its not jam packed but does make me feel more isolated and very down in the dumps. I can tell myself the reality is I have lots of friends but some days its hard to feel the love. Hopefully though tomorrow will cheer me up as there'll be quite a bit of catching up to do with some family members and most haven't seen Baby Bear for a while so it'll be nice to show her off! Hopefully I might even feel proud of myself for doing such a good job with her or I might just still feel rubbish!

Well that's it, Baby Bear's finished her lunch now so I'm off to clean the carnage up and finish writing the shopping list - highlight of the day today is doing the tesco's shop! Oh how exciting!

I am currently watching Baby Bear demolish Daddy Panda's pile of blue rays! This is the first time she's actually got over to that corner and now of course she's next to the TV and has discovered Daddy Panda's XBOX, and blue ray player and she's pointed out to me just how much the TV stand needs dusting! She's chosen Despicable Me as her favourite to play with so Daddy Panda will be very proud! I wonder if she even realises that's the first film we ever took her in to see at the cinema?

We got our tesco's vouchers today - a whopping £22.50! So with it doubled we've got £45! We all share the same clubcard - which reminds me i need to put a key fob on Daddy Panda's keys and get him to actually start using it! So our huge shop for 2 adults and baby goes on, along with my mums weekly shop, the school she works for's tea etc shop and now since my Nana's stroke her shopping too! Looks like Baby Bear and my nephew will be getting some treats this Easter!

I'm feeling exhausted after another nights rubbish sleep! Am really hoping Baby Bear wants an afternoon nap soon so we can cuddle and nap together but judging by her enthusiasm for Daddy Panda's blue rays I don't think she will!

I cut Daddy Panda's hair the other day before his interview and somehow I've ended up with one of his hairs stuck in my foot! its not only grim but quite painful! It's like a hairy splinter! I've tried to get it out but cant so instead i gave myself i mini manicure and now have some lovely nails inc polish on!

I think a few of my mummy friends are starting to show signs of stress now, and who can blame them! We've all had our own drama's to deal with some having different issues to me, but one thing seems to be common - we all feel over worked and like a failure - be it as a mum or as a friend. In reality these failings are far from failings! We all work so hard to do the best and make the right choices for our babies and families and I'm so proud of all my mummy friends! Sometimes it feels like they're all breezing threw it but I know when I'm in crisis or really struggling all of them are there for me - even the ones I haven't physically met yet!

I'm part of a group online of roughly 10 first time mummy's, we've been through pregnancy together and half the time its alot easier to tell a computer screen than tell your partner so those girlies mean the world to me! Were finally meeting at the baby show in May and Baby Bear is the eldest so I hope she behaves and shows the other mummy's just what is in store for them!

Good Morning!!!

Its grey and miserable outside today and it pretty much sums up both mine and Baby Bears mood! It's 10am and she's already tired! She woke earlier than normal but Grandma got her out of her cot and had some Granny Baby Bear time before waking me. I love that my mum does this as although its only an extra 10 minutes but I know so many others who don't get those 10 minutes so count myself very lucky!

Baby Bear played for a while down stairs and then at 8.30am her normal breakfast time she had breakfast, pineapple and pear yum yum! Baby Bear eats really well and isn't afraid of any new foods, theres been very few incidents of food dislike, the worst was banana but then when we started giving her the whole banana instead of mashing it or cutting it up she demolished the whole lot! She's a food beast! However this morning she decided that breakfast wasn't to her liking! Yesterday she ate 2 crumpets but I dont want her to get too consitpated - something thats been a constant battle with her along with reflux! It's so hard to find the right balance food wise. She ended up being offered a biscuit and then she ate a bit more of her fruit, I've found since her two teeth came threw she's all about the hard foods and as a result its all bread based foods that go down well.

Breakfast ended in a meltdown from Baby Bear but I was deterimined to do what needed doing. Baby Bear tends to have breakfast in her Pj's (a baby grow) and then after breakfast she has a full change and gets dressed for the day - even if like today we no actual plans that involve leaving the house. I took her nappy off and she's got quite bad nappy rash - well for her anyway she's normally got a peachy bum! So on went the ointment! I never truely realised how many lotions and potions i'd have to put on her on a daily basis!

Today Baby Bears had nappy rash ointment on her bum, and some on her neck which seems to get very chaffed, then vaseline on her face to help stop the drool rash getting worse! She's all greased up the poor little thing! She's finally given in and had a nap though! Wahooooo! She screamed threw getting dressed and has continuted to cry until finally falling asleep! Hope this nap is a half decent one, I find it really hard to cope when she's so grizzly!

Today is Thursday - that means new homes go up on the homefinder website so I've just been to have a look. Usually theres no homes in the multiple areas we want to move to. The area we want is apparently "desirable" and the average wait is 5 years! I love my Mum and am so greatful for her putting us up but its so hard knowing I'm not providing Baby Bears home. Logged on today and with the 3 bids I'm allowed to make i expected to find no homes anyway - errr no, theres 7 homes in my area! I am beyond fuming about it, I've not made any bids for a month because I refuse to move to the back of beyond and lose my gp, counsellor and psychatrist, and also move into an area I dont know, where I'd have no friends and where Baby Bear is more likely to be in a failing none catholic school! I've tried to phone the office to see if theres any other way I can make bids, as its so rare so many houses come up in this area!

In other news I found my bank card!!! wahooooo although i'm still in my pjs and dont plan on going out but might have to go on a wander if Baby Bear wakes up grumpy again! So with that I'm off to try and conquer the washing beast that's in my bedroom!

So the weather outside is delicious, but I still can't find my bank card! arghhhhh!

Baby Bear is in a very grumpy mood after her nap and has refused her lunch! Not like her in the slightest so hopefully its due to another tooth and nothing else. Poor Baby Bear's face is covered with a drool rash and to date we only have 2 teeth! She's currently sat playing with her amazing animals - toys that I love, but she's looking confused as to why their not making their usual noises - maybe I best turn them back on before a tantrum ensues!

Earlier Baby Bear had a go at standing up without Mummy Tiddles holding onto her! She did quite well, we did it last night and she stood holding onto Grandma's knee for about 10 minutes! Today she was holding onto her toy shelf, and she laughed the whole time, whilst doing the typical child thing of chucking all her toys out of their neat little homes!

This is how it looked before Christmas so as you can imagine it's even fuller now! She's certainly one spoilt little Bear! Were quite lucky that as we live with my Mum our bills are shared - something that hopefully will change soon as were on the council waiting list and hopefully if Daddy Panda gets a better paid job we might be able to go private - although I'm not holding my breath for that one. Baby Bear has very few "new" toys or in fact anything really. To date the brand new things we've bought for her are - cot mattress, pram, some storage things (small baskets to house socks mainly!) one or two toys, and then the feeding equipment although most bibs have been second hand too! Were lucky enough to have a local carboot.

We've picked pretty much everything up from here, or from other preloved websites. Its a case of needs must and at least I know that we have a place to then resell what Baby Bear grows out of.

Forgot to post this yesterday ops!

So we went to see HOP, and what a disappointment! It was no where near as funny as other films the creators of this have also been behind. The best bit was proberly the mini minions before the film even started!

I lost my phone yesterday and normally thats not a problem, except a friend txt me yesterday asking if I could pick her daughter up from school, I could have but I didn't get the message until I found my phone in the evening! So annoyed at myself! I hate being a flakey friend and I hate losing things although its something that seems to happen more and more. I'm incredably forgetful and seem to be late alot of the time - coming from the queen of on time this is a big thing, and it's most defintely to do with the PTSD.

Baby Bear was well behaved at the cinema - she's not been since we went to see Tangled (a very good modern disney princess movie!). She fell asleep as we knew she would but at least there was no screaming fit! She's such a good baby! She's getting about now in a half crawl half bum shuffle type movement and if she see's something she wants she gets to it.

Daddy Panda thinks his interview went well and I really hope it did! It'd make a huge difference to our life, we'd be able to have a proper routine I'd be able to re-start my CBT as I'd have more childcare options for Baby Bear.

So far today we've had a few events, Baby Bear had her first taste of crumpet and demolished the lot! We headed out early on to Tesco's, I'm half way threw cleaning the cooker and am determined to get it perfect - so I went to buy a super strength degreaser and a value toothbrush - why do cookers have so many fiddly bits to clean?

On the way to Tesco's a magpie fell out of the sky right infront of us it hit the pavement with a horrid sounding plod and broke its neck! Obviously it died but it was such a shock and felt a bit like an omen! 2 seconds later it could have landed in Baby Bear's pram! Uck! I find it so strange that such deathly things are being illustrated to me in daily life! I dont know if it's just I notice it more or if horrid things seem to happen more when I'm around? But thats crazy Tiddles talking so am going to distract her with a cake and a bit of a play with Baby Bear!

05/04/11

So this will be my first up to date post.

I spent most of yesterday posting my history really which you need to know to help understand my "quirks" I guess and why I am the way I am.

Today's Tuesday and Daddy Panda has a day off! YAY! My sleep is much improved thanks to some super sedative laced anti-depressants, but its becoming a problem, I'm still asleep in the mornings and am struggling to wake up when Baby Bear wakes up but so far there's always been someone else in the house in the morning. Today she slept until around 8am and I finally woke at 9.30am good job Daddy got up and did breakfast - I'm very lucky!

We don't really have big plans for today, normally we'd attempt to at least go to the park, I really find if I don't leave the house once a day it really affects my mood and my view of the day. Sadly the weather's very hit and miss at the moment and although its bright its also wet! Boo hiss!

Were currently all still in our pj's and Baby Bear is moving about the floor playing with toys as she goes, edging closer and closer to Daddy Panda's XBOX - ekkkkkkk! He's currently playing on it so if she spots the lights surrounding the on/off button Daddy Panda will be doing some screaming!

Our big plan of today is to possibly go to Burger King for lunch (taking a packed lunch for Baby Bear) and then going to the cinema to see Hop!

Were a bit Bunny mad in this house as we had pet ones for 8 years, the old guy finally gave up and went to bunny heaven a few months ago just before he turned 9! He was an amazing rabbit and its definitely the kind of pet I'd be happy for Baby Bear to have when she's bigger - although judging by her reaction to dogs her first words will be "Mummy I want a dog!". She adores them and when at Granddad's the dog is by far her favourite toy!

Daddy Panda has just moved Baby Bear away from his XBOX she is now playing with our "swears" tin. We've got a swear jar mainly because Daddy Panda say's lots of naughty words when playing on the XBOX and as funny as it'd be to get called into school because Baby Bears being swearing its not appropriate so while she's at an age where she's learning sounds and words were trying our best to avoid swearing - hopefully it'll become a habit and the swearing will stop all together!

I feel better for having had a decent amount of sleep its been a long time since I'd managed to sleep threw the night - even though Baby Bear figured it out at 3 weeks old! I'm quite relaxed today especially as we have a plan for the day, Daddy Panda's got a job interview at 7pm and I so hope it goes well. He's got a good job at the moment but he's far from being paid what he deserves and I don't know another person who would do the job as well and as whole heartedly as he does and do it for minimum wage! I do wish hard workers were rewarded, but to be honest everyone who knows Daddy Pandas full job duties etc are shocked that he's paid so little. I really hope he gets the job tonight, its set hours so I'll know when he will be home and what days he has off, and will be able to fit in alot more family visits I think.

So I'm going to end this morning post with a simple GOOD LUCK DADDY PANDA!!!