tears at bedtime

Well, there were tears at bedtime in this house last night.

We (Daddy Panda and I) watched the Tonight show - Maternity in Crisis. Obviously it was going to be upsetting but I felt I needed to watch. A fellow Birth Trauma Mummy told me it was on as she featured in it. I was shocked and upset by the stories it told, but felt reassured that I had made the right choice re: telling my story to Panorama.

One of the most shocking stories on there was about how a father lost his wife and child due to the lack of care, it was heartbreaking for me as the words "kidney and liver failure" were used and were caused by the neglect of the midwifes and failure to spot a serious complication, the same situation I found myself in less than a year ago.

To see so clearly a man who was in love so broken made me want to hold Daddy Panda all the more and tell him how much I loved him and our Baby Bear, and although I was nearly taken from them I'm here and that's all that matters now.

I spoke to my Mum this morning about it (she was working and missed it) and it clearly upset her too, its understandable though isn't it? That could have been me, all that was in it was a matter of minutes, possibly even seconds. Nothing will ever remove that all I can do now is look to the future and make the best out of my "lot"

Also I best tell you about Panorama hey? It all came about thanks to BTA, they were looking for people to speak to the media and my story has previously been in Pregnancy and Birth, I'm far from a fame hungry 24 year old who you see on Big Brother, but I feel there's a need to put it out there and do all I can to help women avoid this situation and also inform them that there is help and hope out there. I submitted my story and someone from the BBC got back to me, they were keen to share my story and liked my attitude. They came and we filmed and were now in the process of getting hold of birth notes etc.

The process actually kick started me into seeking answers, and more importantly becoming fully informed about what happened and why. I don't blame anyone for what happened, sometimes I'm angry and sometimes I'm not, sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I'm not. All I can do is take each day as it is.