and of course the talk turns to trauma.

It seems in this house nothing ever seems to be a "normal" conversation.

We've just watched an old episode of CSI:NY, and Daddy Panda didn't realise that Mac's wife was killed in the 9/11 tragedy (in the plot) so it lead to some discussion, as the episode showed how Mac and his wife came to be in NY.

This led to a conversation about how "you cant blame yourself for things you can't foresee" the conversation continued and we spoke about "blame" and how life can be so completely different despite the best intentions. This then led my thoughts to what happened to me.

Now I have hindsight - I'd never have another baby, the question is can I be blamed for that? Also I started to question what the "culprits" of my birth trauma think and feel. Do they blame themselves for what happened to me? Do they even know the extent to which their mistake has affected my life?

I'm sat here wondering if my experience has affected them, did they doubt their ability to do their job? Did they become more alert in their job role? I want to know if their life changed as mine did? Do they go home at night and find they're so wracked with guilt about what could have been that they don't sleep?