Hello!!!

No post yesterday, mainly because Daddy Panda wangled an extra day off wahoooo - which he used to annoy the hell out of me! I didn't feel it was fair to him for me to come on here and have a grumble about it when really he puts up with a lot and does alot for me and Baby Bear and really it was just little things that after 3 days together were getting to me!

Once again Daddy Pandas Mum claimed she would be coming to see Baby Bear this weekend - once again she failed to keep her promise and I think this hasn't helped me be less on edge. I really want to write to her and tell her exactly what I think and exactly what she needs to do if she wants to have the right to call herself "Grandma". Still no word from Daddy Panda's brother who I messaged last week inviting him round on Wednesday! Another one I really want to lay the law down with! Am questioning if its all worth it? All it will achieve is a load of grief for Daddy Panda and I'm pretty sure he's feeling as angry and hurt by it as I am!

Today incase you haven't heard is possibly one of the most important football matches for my home town! Manchester City v Manchester Utd at Wembly! Football fever has definitely hit the city more so than the royal wedding! I'm sure if you'd given my street an option to have a street party today they'd have leapt at it! My neighbour let off 11 blue and white balloons at kick off - although it was a spectacular fail as there's no wind and they just fell to the floor!

Were a strong city family, and my brother has travelled down from Durham to watch the match with Mancunians and will be staying with us for a few days, which I'm sure Baby Bear will love! Shes changed so much since he last saw her and we'll be going up to his house on Easter Sunday and hopefully we'll get to spend some time with my nephew!

Today has been lovely weather wise and we made the most of it - we took Baby Bear to a bring and buy sale where we snapped up some clothes for both her and my nephew - 6 items for £1! We bought some toys, including a ladybird on a stick push along toy for the grand price of 10p! We then wandered up a bit more and visited Chorlton's Green Festival! We stumbled upon it last year when I was pregnant and its really a community event. This year it was bigger and better - it had beer! It also had Cbeebies Mr Bloom! Sadly Baby Bear had fallen asleep by this point - its a shame really as she loves his singing vegetables!

Once we got home we decided to do the garden, my mum cut the grass and then me and Baby Bear laid out the blankets and played in the garden! We had a play and Baby Bear did her normal trick of crawling away to get at the grass! We've decided to drop the third bottle during the day so now she's just having one when she wakes up and one at bed, judging by the amount she eats and how long she's been going between meals we don't feel she needs it anymore, instead we've swapped it for juice and a snack. Today's snack was served in the garden and it was Baby Bears favourite - JELLY! She absolutely loves it and was jumping up and down to get it in quicker!

I'm baking lots of treats for my best friends birthday tea party - which happens to be on the same day as the royal wedding, and whilst feeding Baby Bear jelly in the garden i had a brain wave - jelly's in tea cups! I think it'd be lovely so i am now on the hunt for nice tea cups and saucers! Sadly we saw two sets today we could have picked up if my brain had been functioning but never mind, my mums off school this week so thankfully have access to a car if i stumble across some on my travels, and my travels may be a little wider this week!

Well I'm off to eBay to search for more tea party goodies - have just bought a lovely white 6 tier cake stand! Now to look for lovely cake cases!

Well today were having a nice quiet day. We went to the local park and after my blog the other day where I said I was lucky to have so much green space near by I thought I'd upload some pictures from today's walk. The weathers nice enough no sun though so the park was quite bar the usual dog walkers. I'm posting this whilst waiting for Daddy Panda's Dad to come pick us up as we'll spend the rest of the day there.

I love blossoms!

SQUIRREL!

Who knew there was a bird watching hut in our local park?

When I was a child I'm sure this was a fully flowing stream but I may be wrong!

Huge grassy bits and this isn't even the football field!

From bud to bloom!

How amazing is this unusual lady bird - I've never seen one with this colouring before!

The Old Bandstand.

Last of the Daffies!

Closer shot of The Old Bandstand

This is a picture of the play area so far not a single one of my local friends has any clue how any child is meant to play on this part. Daddy Panda described it as "like a car that's crashed into a bus stop and this is what was left behind".

I don't really know what word would describe today, Its been good but I still feel like I could cry at any moment. so on edge and so hormonal I think! Its like a minefield at the moment just getting through a day without annoying or upsetting myself let alone anyone else!

Last night was a bit of a toughie as Baby Bear decided to howl just as we sat down with dinner and not settle even though she was almost falling back to sleep. I've got to admit I did the bad mummy thing and picked her up - normally we don't which is why we have a baby that once is in bed self settles and goes to sleep. Her cry was unlike any I've previously heard from her so when she didn't settle or stop crying when I picked her up I gave her some calpol, I figured possibly some more teeth are attempting to come through but wasn't armed with teething gel at the time, I found a travel pouch thing of calpol so gave her that and then she settled back down. She woke at 2am just for her dummy and then was awake and making noise from 7am.

I refused to get up as Daddy Panda said he would sort her out in the morning, although by the time he heard her or decided to do anything about it it was too late I was awake and once again in a foul mood. I'm yet to have a full nights sleep and it is really getting to me now. there's only so much trying to sleep I can do! This morning we had a play date with a lovely lady and her 10 month old daughter. We attempted to go to a local cafe but it turns out it didn't open until 11am so we walked up to our local MC Donald's which luckily has a soft play area and we grabbed a drink.

I took Baby Bear round some local charity shops, we picked up some good stuff. Mainly I go to charity shops as at the moment I'm still carrying baby weight and I refuse to buy full priced clothes just to have to buy more when I lose weight - which in all fairness I'm not actually making any effort to lose at the moment! Also we read bedtime stories to Baby Bear every night and I really want her to be confident and used to books, she currently has two bookcases full of books and a third full of soft toys, I don't think I personally have ever bought her a brand new book, I cant justify spending close and sometimes over £10 for a book I could pick up for a fraction of the price from a charity shop. I also pick up odds and ends for Baby Bears wardrobe from them as she grows so quickly and we're pretty skint its a good way to keep her clothed!

I rang Daddy Panda and got him to come and get Baby Bear at 12.30 as she'd be wanting some lunch and I fancied a bit of alone time, all I did was catch a bus down to the next village and have a wander in the shops. I decided to treat myself to a latte from Costa but walked in to a massive queue so treated myself to some Marks and Spencer's welsh cakes instead! These are one of my favourite sweet treats and I don't know why no where but Marks and Spencer's sell them! Maybe its because were not in Wales?

I came home to big smiles from Baby Bear and then wrote this! I really want to talk about a programme that aired on BBC Three last night called "Is breast best?" but in all honesty I couldn't watch it, for one I'm not keen on the presenter and then I was appalled by the young people they were talking to about breast feeding, - these mums didn't seem to be a real representative of young mums and I'm sure many were just as disgusted with their attitude as I was "boobs are for sex not for babies" as if! I'm a failed breast feeder due to my bodies inability to make milk - who knew that having a huge piece of placenta left in your uterus would make breastfeeding a million times harder! I ended up feeling like rubbish after watching about 10 minutes of the programme and decided I'm not going to let a stupid TV show make me feel bad, it may sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet but... I AM AMAZING! I am, I've not had a total meltdown despite my flashbacks, nightmares and general PTSD induced issues, I have been brave enough to be honest and seek help, and I'm starting to feel more like other mums opposed to feeling segregated from them. I can see more positives than negatives and my daughter is an absolute dream child who is making my life alot easier baby rearing wise than other babies are for their mums. So I'm happy regardless of not breastfeeding and not having a natural birth - stuff it nothing in this life is perfect, were only given what we can cope with.

Baby Bear is asleep, with one sock on - I cant for the life of me find the other one! It must be somewhere amongst the mess Baby Bears created! I truly can't be bothered to tidy it up as the second she wakes it'll be back in its current state!

Am not having the best of days today, had barely any sleep and to add to my grumpiness its "that" time of the month! I hate it, I used to breeze through them but since the trauma I feel physically sick the whole time and terrified that it wont end. I actually limit toilet visits so I don't have to see the blood. I'm shaking just writing about it and thinking about it! It feels like the trauma was in a past life now but then once a month it becomes scarily real again!

Am incredibly tired and actually cant concentrate enough to type any more! Might post again later if anything exciting happens!

I'm hoping that i can officially say "Today has been WONDERFUL!"

My mummy friend came round for lunch and a play date, her baby boy is just adorable! He's roughly 6 weeks younger than Baby Bear and gave his mum a bit of a shock when he came 4 weeks early! He's a lovely giggly little boy and its so nice to have boy about for Baby Bear to play with. Most of Baby Bears friends and similar aged family members are girls and as much as she loves all people, boys are definitely a favourite!

We had a lovely chilled out lunch the babies had their first "lunch date" and Baby Boy even met Daddy Panda, not bad going considering its the first time he's been to our house! Daddy Panda seemed quite taken with him especially as he got big smiles from him as well as Baby Bear! We walked on to the park after lunch and i realise just how lucky i am to have so much green space surrounding us considering how close to the town centre we are. Sadly the park was showing the effects of a sunny weekend, lots of litter and sadly a bit of fly tipping too! Someone abandoned a broken pushchair on one of the much used football pitches, soon after we passed a graffittied bench which had what must have been a stolen smashed up mobile phone! We had a big long walk chatting away and ended up at the swings! It was Baby Boy's first go in a swing and he acted all cool and chilled in it! Baby Bear giggled away to herself from the second she was put in her swing! We captured some lovely pictures of the two of them and it was so nice!

Daddy Panda finally heard about the job interview - He got it! YAY!!! It's working in an express stores bakery so means early starts -5.30am but it also means he's going to be home for EVERY bed time!!! We'll be able to establish a proper family routine and he gets Fridays and Saturdays off which to me is wonderful! We get one weekend day which means we can be a bit more like other families but with having the Friday off we still get the perks of going swimming when its not jam packed or going shopping and play centres when they're not heaving! Very excited about this and really hope it means life is finally going to get better!!!

I feel like my facebook page often reads like an episode of Jeremy Kyle! A relative who has a young baby has discovered her partner has stolen the babies money without her even knowing. Once again she's slagging him off on facebook and although he's not Mr perfect they're both parents and although young their both adults, they made a baby together and really need to stop being so stupid and childish and put the child they made together first! I know its not easy but my gosh if I can do it I'm sure they can!

Baby Bear has been very cute this evening and has practiced crawling a bit more, she ended the day belly flopped out on the living room floor, bib in one hand and falling asleep. Unbelievably cute, it was only 8.10pm which goes to show she literally cant go half an hour over her bedtime! Am so glad she has such a good routine and she tends to cope quite well with small changes to it during the day, I'm getting the feeling that soon we'll be able to drop the afternoon bottle but really want to encourage her to drink other fluids, yesterday she had a whole sippee cup of very watery juice, but today she's managed just under half - am thinking that's to do with it being much cooler today but despite constantly offering it her I don't know how else to encourage her to drink it!

A friend from my on line forum has ended up in hospital this week, due to an abscess in her boob! I feel so bad for her as she's been amazing through every stage and astounded me by going back to work not long after her daughters birth, I want so desperately for my mummy friends lives's to work out and for baby rearing to be easy for them as they all deserve it! Their babies are wonderful and I am immensely proud of them!

Well of too watch a bit of TV and then make dinner for when Daddy Panda gets home from work! Only 2 weeks until he starts his new job!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm so angry!!! We've been to the family Sunday lunch today and as always my aunt has found a way to make my blood boil! The short of it is she's booked a 4 day holiday (in the UK) starting on Baby Bears Birthday! So angry about it as we've been saying since Christmas we're planning to get her christened on her birthday to do the two at once as we really feel it'll be a good time to start as a fresh without all the horrid stuff we've had to work through this year! I cant believe she's going on holiday - she was away in America last year when Baby Bear was born and as a result made no effort to come see her until their paths crossed as my gran had a stroke (gran lives very close to us). I know some people will think I should get over it and its no big deal but it is, it really is! The same aunt previously asked her cousins children (same age range as me) to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me, and then uninvited Daddy Panda!

The lunch went well Baby Bear was doted on by my cousins - both boys who spent most of their time trying to make her laugh! We ordered our food as soon as we'd chosen as its a pay when you order type place and we did this so Baby Bears food would be first so it could hopefully cool before everyone elses came, however it didn't happen like that and Baby Bears was one of the last out! As soon as she saw our plates she was reaching out trying to get some rice from Daddy Panda and chips from Mummy Tiddles! We ordered her fish fingers and chips, her first taste of both, sadly the kids menu was limited as to food she would eat - everything has to be pick up-able so anything too wet is a no go! I also packed food she could eat if there was nothing on the menu or she didn't take it but she did so i was very proud of her. We ordered her pudding - jelly, as Daddy Panda likes jelly and would finish off what ever was left so for £1.45 it was worth it, turns out Baby Bear wanted the whole lot! Greedy girl!

We sat out in the sun for a while with Baby Bear wearing a lovely big sunhat that I am in love with! We came home and started the epic challenge of putting all of Baby Bears "stuff" into storage! Well there's a lot of it! About 5 big vac bags full of outgrown clothes, a play nest, bouncer, bath seat, play mat, travel play mat, toys, cot top changer, moses basket and stand, breast pumps, and god knows what else! Mummy Tiddles, Daddy Panda and Granny were on the team and thankfully mainly due to sorting it out as we went along over the last 8 months, it took about 10 minutes to get it all put in the loft! WELL DONE TEAM!

Baby Bear is really taking steps towards walking and last night during bath time she finally got both feet under her and pulled her chubby little self up to standing! She then let go of the bath handles because she was so excited so I had hold of her and she just laughed her head off the whole time she was standing! She's so amazing and now she's attempting it when ever she can! Sadly we don't have much in the living room for her to practice on but she tries it when sitting in her cot - something that only happens when I'm putting her clothes away! Until she learns to get herself to sitting we're still safe but as soon as she manages that she'll be standing up in the mornings when she wakes up - then of course comes the climbing out of the cot! So am happy for her to be taking her time!

Daddy Panda's mum rang to inform us she's sick and wouldn't be coming after all this weekend - what a surprise! I knew I needn't get my hopes up that she'd actually be interested in her granddaughter but its most definitely her loss not mine! Tomorrow we have an at home play date, as someones coming to do our gas safety check but they couldn't give us an approximate time so its a wait in all day event! Boooo hiss!

Oh also in an event that could only happen to me, I was taking the recycling out last night in the dark and just slipped my ballet pumps on and ran out - only to encounter a hedgehog! It was not a pleasant meeting as I strode into him and ended up kicking him up the bum! poor thing balled up and prickled the hell out of my foot! It drew blood and I now have countless pinprick marks on my foot!

Well, no post yesterday - bad mummy! To be totally honest I just couldn't face it. I feel like crying now but I really couldn't be bothered yesterday, and the bad mood has put me into a downer today, I'm sure its some sort of cycle!

Yesterday there was a local blood donor session but as I couldn't give blood I roped a friend into doing it for me! I'm very proud of her, even though when they tested her iron was too low but to be honest it meant more to me that she would try! She has two lovely boys and she was the only one of my friends to actually man up and attempt it, so am feeling very let down that even though I have lots of "friends" not one of them would actually do something for me and help give back to a service that saved my life TWICE!!!

Anyway to positive things, we took the babies to the park and sat and played and Baby Bear had her first date with a boy! Very cute and they seemed to have a good old chinwag and it was nice to just be out of the house taking advantage of lovely weather! We stayed in the park for a few hours and got home around 5pm-ish. Daddy Panda was home early-ish (6.30pm) so he got lots of time with happy Baby Bear before bedtime.

Daddy Panda's Mum aka MIL had rung during the week to day she was planning a visit to Manchester without her husband and would she be able to come and see Baby Bear on Saturday or Sunday - I was over the moon! I wish MIL would come more often, I have no issues with her what so ever and really want her to feel like she's Baby Bears Grandma, not just a person she see's at birthdays and Christmas. Baby Bear is such a pleasant baby but it takes her a while to form true relationships with people, it took a long time for Grandad and her to get on but Grandad persevered and now it can be weeks until we see him but she knows its her Grandad! It's the same with my uncle, he was the first member of my family to arrive at hospital to see her when she was born and he tries to come round once a month if he can, I'm sure he'd be here every week if he could. I think this is why i just don't understand why MIL and BIL (Daddy Panda's brother) don't come round more often.

Baby Bear is growing fast and looks like her next target is to pull herself to standing - she's already half way there! She's currently eating her lunch, today its soft cheese on crackers and cucumber. I'm really struggling with new meal idea's for her, especially food's to take out and about with us! She point blank refuses puree' and jar food now and often its a struggle to get her to take yogurt off a spoon! She's so fiercely independent its hard to remember she's just 8 months old!

Tomorrow is an exciting day as my Mum's family are getting together for a pub lunch! Were hoping to re-jig Baby Bears schedule a little bit, she'll have breakfast and bottle as normal, but were hoping to move her after nap bottle to 12.30pm so she'd full until 2pm when were meeting for lunch, as even if she eats her normal lunch at home no one will get any peace at 2pm if she's not eating with us! I hope it works, she's such a grump when her routines messed with, she literally doesn't tolerate staying up even half an hour past bed time! After Emmerdale is very firmly bottle and bed time, and on the occasions we've been out to a wedding or at a friends for dinner she's a grizzly little thing the whole time were out and for the next few days afterwards! Am hoping by keeping the morning and bedtime routine the same she wont be too troublesome!

Today I attempted to find some friends to go to the park with, it turns out I have none! It is a Saturday after all and to be fair to them, most work Mon-Fri 9-5 so weekends especially sunny ones become family/partner time, which then leaves me with just Baby Bear for company as Daddy Panda doesn't often get a weekend day off let alone two in a row! Occasionally he has a Mon and Tues off which is good as we can go swimming and its not jam packed but does make me feel more isolated and very down in the dumps. I can tell myself the reality is I have lots of friends but some days its hard to feel the love. Hopefully though tomorrow will cheer me up as there'll be quite a bit of catching up to do with some family members and most haven't seen Baby Bear for a while so it'll be nice to show her off! Hopefully I might even feel proud of myself for doing such a good job with her or I might just still feel rubbish!

Well that's it, Baby Bear's finished her lunch now so I'm off to clean the carnage up and finish writing the shopping list - highlight of the day today is doing the tesco's shop! Oh how exciting!

I am currently watching Baby Bear demolish Daddy Panda's pile of blue rays! This is the first time she's actually got over to that corner and now of course she's next to the TV and has discovered Daddy Panda's XBOX, and blue ray player and she's pointed out to me just how much the TV stand needs dusting! She's chosen Despicable Me as her favourite to play with so Daddy Panda will be very proud! I wonder if she even realises that's the first film we ever took her in to see at the cinema?

We got our tesco's vouchers today - a whopping £22.50! So with it doubled we've got £45! We all share the same clubcard - which reminds me i need to put a key fob on Daddy Panda's keys and get him to actually start using it! So our huge shop for 2 adults and baby goes on, along with my mums weekly shop, the school she works for's tea etc shop and now since my Nana's stroke her shopping too! Looks like Baby Bear and my nephew will be getting some treats this Easter!

I'm feeling exhausted after another nights rubbish sleep! Am really hoping Baby Bear wants an afternoon nap soon so we can cuddle and nap together but judging by her enthusiasm for Daddy Panda's blue rays I don't think she will!

I cut Daddy Panda's hair the other day before his interview and somehow I've ended up with one of his hairs stuck in my foot! its not only grim but quite painful! It's like a hairy splinter! I've tried to get it out but cant so instead i gave myself i mini manicure and now have some lovely nails inc polish on!

I think a few of my mummy friends are starting to show signs of stress now, and who can blame them! We've all had our own drama's to deal with some having different issues to me, but one thing seems to be common - we all feel over worked and like a failure - be it as a mum or as a friend. In reality these failings are far from failings! We all work so hard to do the best and make the right choices for our babies and families and I'm so proud of all my mummy friends! Sometimes it feels like they're all breezing threw it but I know when I'm in crisis or really struggling all of them are there for me - even the ones I haven't physically met yet!

I'm part of a group online of roughly 10 first time mummy's, we've been through pregnancy together and half the time its alot easier to tell a computer screen than tell your partner so those girlies mean the world to me! Were finally meeting at the baby show in May and Baby Bear is the eldest so I hope she behaves and shows the other mummy's just what is in store for them!

Good Morning!!!

Its grey and miserable outside today and it pretty much sums up both mine and Baby Bears mood! It's 10am and she's already tired! She woke earlier than normal but Grandma got her out of her cot and had some Granny Baby Bear time before waking me. I love that my mum does this as although its only an extra 10 minutes but I know so many others who don't get those 10 minutes so count myself very lucky!

Baby Bear played for a while down stairs and then at 8.30am her normal breakfast time she had breakfast, pineapple and pear yum yum! Baby Bear eats really well and isn't afraid of any new foods, theres been very few incidents of food dislike, the worst was banana but then when we started giving her the whole banana instead of mashing it or cutting it up she demolished the whole lot! She's a food beast! However this morning she decided that breakfast wasn't to her liking! Yesterday she ate 2 crumpets but I dont want her to get too consitpated - something thats been a constant battle with her along with reflux! It's so hard to find the right balance food wise. She ended up being offered a biscuit and then she ate a bit more of her fruit, I've found since her two teeth came threw she's all about the hard foods and as a result its all bread based foods that go down well.

Breakfast ended in a meltdown from Baby Bear but I was deterimined to do what needed doing. Baby Bear tends to have breakfast in her Pj's (a baby grow) and then after breakfast she has a full change and gets dressed for the day - even if like today we no actual plans that involve leaving the house. I took her nappy off and she's got quite bad nappy rash - well for her anyway she's normally got a peachy bum! So on went the ointment! I never truely realised how many lotions and potions i'd have to put on her on a daily basis!

Today Baby Bears had nappy rash ointment on her bum, and some on her neck which seems to get very chaffed, then vaseline on her face to help stop the drool rash getting worse! She's all greased up the poor little thing! She's finally given in and had a nap though! Wahooooo! She screamed threw getting dressed and has continuted to cry until finally falling asleep! Hope this nap is a half decent one, I find it really hard to cope when she's so grizzly!

Today is Thursday - that means new homes go up on the homefinder website so I've just been to have a look. Usually theres no homes in the multiple areas we want to move to. The area we want is apparently "desirable" and the average wait is 5 years! I love my Mum and am so greatful for her putting us up but its so hard knowing I'm not providing Baby Bears home. Logged on today and with the 3 bids I'm allowed to make i expected to find no homes anyway - errr no, theres 7 homes in my area! I am beyond fuming about it, I've not made any bids for a month because I refuse to move to the back of beyond and lose my gp, counsellor and psychatrist, and also move into an area I dont know, where I'd have no friends and where Baby Bear is more likely to be in a failing none catholic school! I've tried to phone the office to see if theres any other way I can make bids, as its so rare so many houses come up in this area!

In other news I found my bank card!!! wahooooo although i'm still in my pjs and dont plan on going out but might have to go on a wander if Baby Bear wakes up grumpy again! So with that I'm off to try and conquer the washing beast that's in my bedroom!

So the weather outside is delicious, but I still can't find my bank card! arghhhhh!

Baby Bear is in a very grumpy mood after her nap and has refused her lunch! Not like her in the slightest so hopefully its due to another tooth and nothing else. Poor Baby Bear's face is covered with a drool rash and to date we only have 2 teeth! She's currently sat playing with her amazing animals - toys that I love, but she's looking confused as to why their not making their usual noises - maybe I best turn them back on before a tantrum ensues!

Earlier Baby Bear had a go at standing up without Mummy Tiddles holding onto her! She did quite well, we did it last night and she stood holding onto Grandma's knee for about 10 minutes! Today she was holding onto her toy shelf, and she laughed the whole time, whilst doing the typical child thing of chucking all her toys out of their neat little homes!

This is how it looked before Christmas so as you can imagine it's even fuller now! She's certainly one spoilt little Bear! Were quite lucky that as we live with my Mum our bills are shared - something that hopefully will change soon as were on the council waiting list and hopefully if Daddy Panda gets a better paid job we might be able to go private - although I'm not holding my breath for that one. Baby Bear has very few "new" toys or in fact anything really. To date the brand new things we've bought for her are - cot mattress, pram, some storage things (small baskets to house socks mainly!) one or two toys, and then the feeding equipment although most bibs have been second hand too! Were lucky enough to have a local carboot.

We've picked pretty much everything up from here, or from other preloved websites. Its a case of needs must and at least I know that we have a place to then resell what Baby Bear grows out of.

Forgot to post this yesterday ops!

So we went to see HOP, and what a disappointment! It was no where near as funny as other films the creators of this have also been behind. The best bit was proberly the mini minions before the film even started!

I lost my phone yesterday and normally thats not a problem, except a friend txt me yesterday asking if I could pick her daughter up from school, I could have but I didn't get the message until I found my phone in the evening! So annoyed at myself! I hate being a flakey friend and I hate losing things although its something that seems to happen more and more. I'm incredably forgetful and seem to be late alot of the time - coming from the queen of on time this is a big thing, and it's most defintely to do with the PTSD.

Baby Bear was well behaved at the cinema - she's not been since we went to see Tangled (a very good modern disney princess movie!). She fell asleep as we knew she would but at least there was no screaming fit! She's such a good baby! She's getting about now in a half crawl half bum shuffle type movement and if she see's something she wants she gets to it.

Daddy Panda thinks his interview went well and I really hope it did! It'd make a huge difference to our life, we'd be able to have a proper routine I'd be able to re-start my CBT as I'd have more childcare options for Baby Bear.

So far today we've had a few events, Baby Bear had her first taste of crumpet and demolished the lot! We headed out early on to Tesco's, I'm half way threw cleaning the cooker and am determined to get it perfect - so I went to buy a super strength degreaser and a value toothbrush - why do cookers have so many fiddly bits to clean?

On the way to Tesco's a magpie fell out of the sky right infront of us it hit the pavement with a horrid sounding plod and broke its neck! Obviously it died but it was such a shock and felt a bit like an omen! 2 seconds later it could have landed in Baby Bear's pram! Uck! I find it so strange that such deathly things are being illustrated to me in daily life! I dont know if it's just I notice it more or if horrid things seem to happen more when I'm around? But thats crazy Tiddles talking so am going to distract her with a cake and a bit of a play with Baby Bear!

05/04/11

So this will be my first up to date post.

I spent most of yesterday posting my history really which you need to know to help understand my "quirks" I guess and why I am the way I am.

Today's Tuesday and Daddy Panda has a day off! YAY! My sleep is much improved thanks to some super sedative laced anti-depressants, but its becoming a problem, I'm still asleep in the mornings and am struggling to wake up when Baby Bear wakes up but so far there's always been someone else in the house in the morning. Today she slept until around 8am and I finally woke at 9.30am good job Daddy got up and did breakfast - I'm very lucky!

We don't really have big plans for today, normally we'd attempt to at least go to the park, I really find if I don't leave the house once a day it really affects my mood and my view of the day. Sadly the weather's very hit and miss at the moment and although its bright its also wet! Boo hiss!

Were currently all still in our pj's and Baby Bear is moving about the floor playing with toys as she goes, edging closer and closer to Daddy Panda's XBOX - ekkkkkkk! He's currently playing on it so if she spots the lights surrounding the on/off button Daddy Panda will be doing some screaming!

Our big plan of today is to possibly go to Burger King for lunch (taking a packed lunch for Baby Bear) and then going to the cinema to see Hop!

Were a bit Bunny mad in this house as we had pet ones for 8 years, the old guy finally gave up and went to bunny heaven a few months ago just before he turned 9! He was an amazing rabbit and its definitely the kind of pet I'd be happy for Baby Bear to have when she's bigger - although judging by her reaction to dogs her first words will be "Mummy I want a dog!". She adores them and when at Granddad's the dog is by far her favourite toy!

Daddy Panda has just moved Baby Bear away from his XBOX she is now playing with our "swears" tin. We've got a swear jar mainly because Daddy Panda say's lots of naughty words when playing on the XBOX and as funny as it'd be to get called into school because Baby Bears being swearing its not appropriate so while she's at an age where she's learning sounds and words were trying our best to avoid swearing - hopefully it'll become a habit and the swearing will stop all together!

I feel better for having had a decent amount of sleep its been a long time since I'd managed to sleep threw the night - even though Baby Bear figured it out at 3 weeks old! I'm quite relaxed today especially as we have a plan for the day, Daddy Panda's got a job interview at 7pm and I so hope it goes well. He's got a good job at the moment but he's far from being paid what he deserves and I don't know another person who would do the job as well and as whole heartedly as he does and do it for minimum wage! I do wish hard workers were rewarded, but to be honest everyone who knows Daddy Pandas full job duties etc are shocked that he's paid so little. I really hope he gets the job tonight, its set hours so I'll know when he will be home and what days he has off, and will be able to fit in alot more family visits I think.

So I'm going to end this morning post with a simple GOOD LUCK DADDY PANDA!!!

The Trauma

For those of you that have stumbled across this because you've suffered from Birth Trauma, and your now asking yourself why I class myself as suffering from Birth Trauma, this post will answer that question.

Since being discharged from giving birth, naturally life changed! I was told to rest and take things easy for 6 weeks due to having a c-section. After the pregnancy I had though I was determind to go for a walk and get my confidence back! I breezed to the bottom of the garden and all signs of SPD were gone!

I really felt it was the home straight and i had a few weeks of blissful mummyhood before it all went wrong for me yet again!

On day 21 post birth, I got out of Grandma's car carrying Baby Bear and i felt a warm gush. I was embarresed but imeditely thought "I've wet myself" thanks pelvic floor for finally giving out on me! I took Baby Bear into the house and handed her over to Grandma explaining what I thought had happened. I rushed up to the bathroom planning to shower and change, what I discovered was the true start of my trauma.

My legs were covered in blood, I just sat on the loo in utter shock I had no idea what to do, who to call, or what was going on. I must have been in there a while as Daddy Panda came upstairs to check on me after he'd fed Baby Bear. He walked in and said "It looks like a murder scene in here" and it did. The entire bathroom was covered in my blood and I was just sat there frozen with shock. Daddy Panda stated he was calling an ambulance, I told him I thought the bleeding had stopped and that if he got me the phone I'd phone NHS direct and figure out where I was meant to go.

While he went and got the phone I noticed the blood on my legs was drying and my legs felt sticky so I got in the shower and washed all the blood off so I could try and figure out what was going on and how much blood was still coming out. I rang NHS Direct and decided to go back to the maternity unit of Wythenshawe Hospital, as I'd been signed off by the midwife's i wasn't sure if i was meant to go there or just to normal a&e.

I managed to convince everyone I was fine, I defintely didn't need or want an ambulance and if Grandma could just take me I was sure I'd be home the same night. It was late evening by this point and I think the darkness just added to the drama of it all.

We got most of the way to the hospital before things took a turn for the worse, I was feeling sick, and light headed. I seemed to be slidding all over and caught sight of my face in the rear view mirror and said to Grandma "I've gone really pale" within seconds of saying this I was having contractions, at this point I knew something serious was wrong. We weren't far from the hospital and thats one of the last clear things I remember. I know on the journey I was texting another mummy offering her advice on how to keep going with breast feeding - I cant quite believe I was doing that while my body was going into overload!

We got to the carpark and my mum asked if I would be ok getting out of the car and walking across or if I wanted dropping off at the doors. I genuinely thought I'd be fine, I was wrong. I went to stand up and knew I was going to bleed heavily again so I told my mum. I thought it would be like last time and that I'd be able to walk to the hospital. Instead I was having contractions quick and fast and was bleeding heavily the whole time, I was in and out of conciousness and passing huge clots.

I'm not sure how long we were in that carpark for but I know my mum didn't leave me for a second, she somehow managed to flag down a car and send the new dad running back into the hospital to get help. I remember lots of shouting and suddenly a midwife being out there with us. A security guard was running about with a wheelchair and I ended up in it. I had previously been worried about people especially pregnant ladies waiting to go onto a ward etc seeing my blood so double bagged my clothes from the first bleed knowing the drs would need to assess my blood loss but not wanting to scare anyone, seems silly now as I left a very bloody trail behind me on the way in!

I got into the delivery suite and i dont remember a thing, I only know what I've been told I remember very little from the car park either. The dr could feel something inside my uterus but couldnt get it out, people were running about in what my mum described as "something from er" there were people coming and going drips and drains been put everywhere then I was taken to surgery!

I heard the word surgery and started pleeding to go home, I defintely didn't want to have another c-section type operation and I was told when I signed the papers they'd try and avoid it. They did, they removed a 4cm x 10cm piece of placenta from my uterus and inserted a balloon filled with water. The balloon was placed to help my uterus contract properly and gradually and over the course of my stay it was slowly deflated and they would assess what else may need doing.

I woke in ICU with my mum stroking my hair telling me it was ok, the midwife from the car park was there and she reassured me I hadn't had more intrusive surgery. My mum stayed for a while but I was still in and out of conciousness, I was on morphine and wrapped in a strange heated duvet. I remember my mum saying "your wrapped in bubble wrap" at that point I truely thought I'd died and I was somewhere else in a strange world where we slept in bubble wrap!

My mum left and I began to cry, I remember her saying "dont cry I cant leave if your crying" so I stopped and went to sleep.

Alot of what I learnt is after the fact, but this is what I learnt -

a piece of placenta was left behind after my c-section

it was 10cm x 4 cms

I lost almost all of my bodies supply of blood

I was minutes away from death

my kidneys and liver were shutting down

I'm very very lucky

I was in ICU for a few days and then on the postnatal ward overnight then amazingly I was allowed home! I had a blood transfusion while in ICU but all I wanted was to be back at home with my bears.

I dont really know what else to say about it, thats what happened and because it was so sudden and so unexpected I developed serious anxiety about leaving the house, I have moved on alot in the last 6/7 months and have come a long way but I really want to share my day to day experiences with others so maybe people can understand me a little better or get help themselves and get over their experiences and enjoy their lives again!

THE BIRTH!!!

I've decided to do this as a separate story to the pregnancy as both were quite long and complicated and I feel now the two are two very separate issues. I'd say the actual birth experience I had overall was equivalent to that of the other mummy's on the ward with me, I turned up at 9am on 28th July, relieved and excited at the thought of finally being out off pain, off the crutches and finally achieving yummy mummy status, looking back maybe I was naive or maybe I was just excited.

I had to go threw detox from all my pain med's to help my baby girl be healthy once born, it was heartbreaking to think my daughter may have to go through that because I was in such severe pain but at least I'd done all I could for her by going cold turkey from the pain med's leading up to the birth - it wasn't easy my back would spasm uncontrollably and I'd be in tears from the pain. there was a lot of waiting around that Wednesday morning, apparently there weren't enough beds on the ward so we waited until there were.

I thankfully got the first bed purely because I was in so much pain if I was left any longer before getting a bed I probably would have collapsed. The induction process was a long one! I was given a pessary on the Wednesday evening which would take 24 hours to have any effect. I was 1cm dilated before this process was started, it took over 24 hours for a midwife to check me again and it was not good news, the pessary hadn't worked, meanwhile I could see the other ladies who'd been admitted on the same day as me going into labour and being whisked off to have their babies!

I was given a round of "gels" which should help me get to 2Cm's, once at that point they would take me to delivery and pop my waters and we could start the process of labour. The first round was administered and I should have been checked a few hours later, I wasn't checked and was told "we wont do it up here, you have to be on delivery suite for that" it was so frustrating as all I wanted to know was whether or not when i went to delivery I'd be starting to labour or I'd be sent back up to have another round of gels! Thankfully a midwife I'd met earlier on in my pregnancy and who actually did an amazing job and was the only person in my whole pregnancy who seemed to listen and understand me was on shift and I spoke to her and she checked me over. She told me I was almost 2Cm's and if it were her she'd be able to burst my waters! I found this news out at around midnight on the Friday 30th July, so aimed to get plenty of sleep for the long day ahead.

On Saturday morning I couldn't eat, I was in serious pain and my back spasms were so severe the other ladies and visitors on the ward were concerned for me, a midwife came but I couldn't even speak the pain was awful and I wasn't even in labour! I think because of this I was bumped up the list and shortly before lunch I was taken down to the delivery suite. I was monitored and Daddy Panda and my mum were called and arrived to find my stuff on the ward but me missing! They soon found me down on delivery and the mood changed completely, finally my pain was almost over.

I'd been advised to get an epidural as soon as possible as otherwise I'd struggle to push as I wasn't feeling braxton hicks I wouldn't notice contractions threw my daily pain. My waters were burst and we had to play a new waiting game - would natural labour start or would I need a hormone drip? Answer - hormone drip! Once again my body was failing, something I felt was a constant theme of the last nine months! Luckily I went from 2Cm's to 10Cm's within an hour of my waters being burst and when natural labour didn't establish I was given the hormone drip and an epidural. The pushing stage was due to begin, I was starving by this point and was worried that I'd not eaten all day and wouldn't have the energy to get threw, I was only allowed small sips of water through out labour.

I'd say I entered the delivery suite around lunch time and after around 8 hours of pushing 3 times every 3 minutes and getting no where a decision was made - time for a c-section. It was 10pm by this point. I was devastated that yet again I'd failed and my daughter was about to be born to the most unsuccessful mummy ever! While things were being arranged I started vomiting and there was some concern my baby was in distress.

I was whisked threw the corridor and off into theatre - stopping on the way to talk to the Dr preforming my c-section who popped out of another room covered in blood stating the lady in their also needed surgery. That's the last thing i clearly remember before my c-section.

Once in the operating room I don't know how I felt or what I was thinking, my epidural was boosted to full spinal block and although I couldn't feel pain I could feel things being moved and tugged about, and then we heard my daughters cry, daddy panda was with us and I just laughed as my babies scream grew louder and louder! She was weighed and cleaned up before we saw her - even though I'd stated I wanted skin to skin straight away and didn't want her weighing until after her first feed, it didn't matter though she was there in her daddy's arms and I could see her big black eyes looking at me! I promptly announced I was going to be sick and my options were either be sick on my newborn babies head or on the anesthetist next to me - ermmmmm guess which I chose!

Daddy Panda and Baby Bear were then led away to the recovery room while they finished stitching me up! It was during this time Baby Bear met Grandma who'd been waiting nervously outside! It was getting late and once I was in the recovery room and settled Daddy Panda and Grandma went home to get some much earned rest.

During the night i was checked on and it was discovered I'd had a substantial bleed and needed a blood transfusion and possibly further surgery, I was terrified. I was alone with my daughter who needed me for everything and the thought of more surgery and being parted from her was unbearable. Thankfully my bleeding eased and was classed as normal! I had a transfusion and stayed in the recovery room longer than normal.

As they wanted to keep an eye on me and hoards of visitors had descended I got moved to a side room but still close to theatre should I need to go back. I now truly believe my friends and family are liars - everyone coming gushing in telling me I looked wonderful considering I'd given birth 12 hours ago! LIES!!! I had blood going in one arm, antibiotics and fluids in the other, air cuffs on my legs keeping the blood pumping as I was still immobile, a catheter in, a drain from the c-section wound, and i hadn't eaten for over 48 hours let alone washed!!!

I am glad my friends and family were so keen to visit, i was especially touched that my best friend and daughter's god mother, had got word in South America that I'd given birth and sent her mother round with gifts and of course with demands of photos! I never expected Granny R (as I call her) to come to the hospital but it made me feel much closer to my Bessie who I'd been missing endlessly since she left several weeks earlier to explore the world!

Unfortunately the in laws also visited, I love daddy pandas dad he's a true doting grandad and our relationship has grown endlessly! However daddy panda's mum is married to someone who's much harder to get on with and he decided it would be appropriate to take a picture of me in afore mentioned state and post it to facebook, despite me saying no. Sadly this is just one of many incidents which has no lead me to avoid him at all possible costs - something that will probably come up in future posts!

Finally made it up to the postnatal ward and by this point I had no idea or concept of day/night/time anything! I was struggling to breastfeed my daughter and she was becoming increasingly distressed when offered boob! Eventually she ended up being combination fed which became formula fed by 14 days old. I just couldn't do it anymore, my milk wasn't there my daughter was heartbreakingly distressed and it wasn't fair to either of us to go through that kind of misery. I had my stitches removed on day 5 and was discharged on day 6 I think.

By day 10 I'd been discharged all together from the midwife team and was waiting to meet my health visitor. I feel that's an appropriate point to end my birth story as that's what this was it was the birth of my beautiful girl, who was born at 22.41 on 31/07/10 via emergency c section weighing 9lb7oz and measuring 63Cm's in length!

pregnancy story!

Well who ever is reading this, welcome!

Since giving birth to my wonderful daughter in July I've had to deal with the everyday mummy issues. Ive also had the added bonus of suffering from birth trauma and post traumatic stress disorder. Written down those words don't look as scary and intrusive as they are in my real life!

After 8 months of struggling to sometimes leave the house let alone be a good mum, I've decided to write about it. Even if no one reads this i hope it'll give me a log of events and more importantly my moods. sometimes i feel like every day has been horrific when in fact it probably hasn't been!

For those of you interested my story starts with pregnancy.

I went to a walk in centre when I was 9 weeks pregnant as I had left sided pain and there were concerns my baby was actually developing in my fallopian tube. After seeing a lovely nurse we (daddy panda and me) went off to St Mary's early pregnancy unit to have an emergency scan. It was scary and worrying we sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever, but we finally got called into the scan room. Thankfully baby was fine and we got to see her for the first time, looking like nothing more than a smudge it was hard to believe she was causing all this fuss. We got the news that everything looked fine and baby was right where she needed to be! Went on to see a midwife and was informed it was merely "growing pains".

Several weeks later with the pain worsening I went to my gp, they seemed unsurprised by my pain and took a water sample, they didn't even need to test it - I clearly had a uterine infection that I'd had for a while, onto antibiotics and hopefully then the pain would clear up too.

I knew as soon as I found out I was pregnant I'd have back problems - when I met the in laws I managed to fall down their cottage staircase and quite badly injure myself and expected this to flare up again.

At 20 weeks we went for our first proper hospital appointment, by this point I felt my hips were barbed wire my back was agony and getting onto a bed for the 20 week scan was painful, but we saw our baby and were informed she looked like a girl! At this point we stopped calling the bump Oscar and started out to find a suitable girls name!

I went back to my gp not long after this as my back and hip pain was worsening, I was informed it was likely i had Symphysis Pubis Dysfuntion - SPD something common in pregnancy and was refered for physio. When I went the physio could see I was in pain and after an assessment appointment and a second appointment I was sent on my way to spend the rest of my pregnancy on crutches! Great!

At 33 weeks we were back at St Mary's having one last scan - baby girl was big! She had lovely long legs and arms but one rather podgey belly! It was amazing to see her one last time on screen!

We went to see a consultant to discuss birthing options, I was pushing for induction/c-section by this point as the pain was worsening and my ability to cope had gone, I was not enjoying pregnancy, I was becoming ill and was depressed. Pregnancy was not fun, I never got that baby glow, I just had agony and what felt like a giant blow fish inside me! I was told I wouldn't be induced until 42 weeks as I was "young fit and healthy" nearly fell off my chair at that one, when did being practically housebound unable to walk unaided count as fit and healthy?

When we got home I had a letter from the hospital stating I had a water infection - funny that as I'd just had my water checked and they claimed it was clear. Took the letter to my gp and they double checked yes I did have another infection that once again was missed by St Mary's. At this point I made a big decision - at 37 weeks pregnant i moved hospitals.

I decided that I would rather give birth not knowing how poor the care was or wasn't at Wythenshawe Hospital (prior to this I'd never even been to Wythenshawe so it was a big choice) than go back to St Mary's where they couldn't even spot a urine infection so god knows what they could miss during the birth.

At 38 weeks the pain from the SPD was so severe I couldn't even make it to the bathroom, it was time to go to hospital and beg for some help. I was on paracetamol, codeine and tramadol at the time and even through that the pain was so severe I was lucky to walk as far as the end of the garden. I was admitted onto a ward where I was having braxton hicks the problem was I was in so much daily pain I didn't even notice them!

I spent roughly 2 weeks in hospital where I was told as soon as baby girl engaged I could be induced. This never happened, I am horrified now to admit it but by that point my mental health had deteriorated so badly I would have rather died than carried on, I was having panic and anxiety attacks, and was close to suicidal! Not what you expect from a pregnant lady hey? I was sent home for a few days and finally got the go ahead from doctors that I'd be induced on my due date - 28th July!

THANK THE LORD!

It was a light at the end of a very dark tunnel and if I could just make it to that date I'd be ok.