The Trauma

For those of you that have stumbled across this because you've suffered from Birth Trauma, and your now asking yourself why I class myself as suffering from Birth Trauma, this post will answer that question.

Since being discharged from giving birth, naturally life changed! I was told to rest and take things easy for 6 weeks due to having a c-section. After the pregnancy I had though I was determind to go for a walk and get my confidence back! I breezed to the bottom of the garden and all signs of SPD were gone!

I really felt it was the home straight and i had a few weeks of blissful mummyhood before it all went wrong for me yet again!

On day 21 post birth, I got out of Grandma's car carrying Baby Bear and i felt a warm gush. I was embarresed but imeditely thought "I've wet myself" thanks pelvic floor for finally giving out on me! I took Baby Bear into the house and handed her over to Grandma explaining what I thought had happened. I rushed up to the bathroom planning to shower and change, what I discovered was the true start of my trauma.

My legs were covered in blood, I just sat on the loo in utter shock I had no idea what to do, who to call, or what was going on. I must have been in there a while as Daddy Panda came upstairs to check on me after he'd fed Baby Bear. He walked in and said "It looks like a murder scene in here" and it did. The entire bathroom was covered in my blood and I was just sat there frozen with shock. Daddy Panda stated he was calling an ambulance, I told him I thought the bleeding had stopped and that if he got me the phone I'd phone NHS direct and figure out where I was meant to go.

While he went and got the phone I noticed the blood on my legs was drying and my legs felt sticky so I got in the shower and washed all the blood off so I could try and figure out what was going on and how much blood was still coming out. I rang NHS Direct and decided to go back to the maternity unit of Wythenshawe Hospital, as I'd been signed off by the midwife's i wasn't sure if i was meant to go there or just to normal a&e.

I managed to convince everyone I was fine, I defintely didn't need or want an ambulance and if Grandma could just take me I was sure I'd be home the same night. It was late evening by this point and I think the darkness just added to the drama of it all.

We got most of the way to the hospital before things took a turn for the worse, I was feeling sick, and light headed. I seemed to be slidding all over and caught sight of my face in the rear view mirror and said to Grandma "I've gone really pale" within seconds of saying this I was having contractions, at this point I knew something serious was wrong. We weren't far from the hospital and thats one of the last clear things I remember. I know on the journey I was texting another mummy offering her advice on how to keep going with breast feeding - I cant quite believe I was doing that while my body was going into overload!

We got to the carpark and my mum asked if I would be ok getting out of the car and walking across or if I wanted dropping off at the doors. I genuinely thought I'd be fine, I was wrong. I went to stand up and knew I was going to bleed heavily again so I told my mum. I thought it would be like last time and that I'd be able to walk to the hospital. Instead I was having contractions quick and fast and was bleeding heavily the whole time, I was in and out of conciousness and passing huge clots.

I'm not sure how long we were in that carpark for but I know my mum didn't leave me for a second, she somehow managed to flag down a car and send the new dad running back into the hospital to get help. I remember lots of shouting and suddenly a midwife being out there with us. A security guard was running about with a wheelchair and I ended up in it. I had previously been worried about people especially pregnant ladies waiting to go onto a ward etc seeing my blood so double bagged my clothes from the first bleed knowing the drs would need to assess my blood loss but not wanting to scare anyone, seems silly now as I left a very bloody trail behind me on the way in!

I got into the delivery suite and i dont remember a thing, I only know what I've been told I remember very little from the car park either. The dr could feel something inside my uterus but couldnt get it out, people were running about in what my mum described as "something from er" there were people coming and going drips and drains been put everywhere then I was taken to surgery!

I heard the word surgery and started pleeding to go home, I defintely didn't want to have another c-section type operation and I was told when I signed the papers they'd try and avoid it. They did, they removed a 4cm x 10cm piece of placenta from my uterus and inserted a balloon filled with water. The balloon was placed to help my uterus contract properly and gradually and over the course of my stay it was slowly deflated and they would assess what else may need doing.

I woke in ICU with my mum stroking my hair telling me it was ok, the midwife from the car park was there and she reassured me I hadn't had more intrusive surgery. My mum stayed for a while but I was still in and out of conciousness, I was on morphine and wrapped in a strange heated duvet. I remember my mum saying "your wrapped in bubble wrap" at that point I truely thought I'd died and I was somewhere else in a strange world where we slept in bubble wrap!

My mum left and I began to cry, I remember her saying "dont cry I cant leave if your crying" so I stopped and went to sleep.

Alot of what I learnt is after the fact, but this is what I learnt -

a piece of placenta was left behind after my c-section

it was 10cm x 4 cms

I lost almost all of my bodies supply of blood

I was minutes away from death

my kidneys and liver were shutting down

I'm very very lucky

I was in ICU for a few days and then on the postnatal ward overnight then amazingly I was allowed home! I had a blood transfusion while in ICU but all I wanted was to be back at home with my bears.

I dont really know what else to say about it, thats what happened and because it was so sudden and so unexpected I developed serious anxiety about leaving the house, I have moved on alot in the last 6/7 months and have come a long way but I really want to share my day to day experiences with others so maybe people can understand me a little better or get help themselves and get over their experiences and enjoy their lives again!