I don't really know what word would describe today, Its been good but I still feel like I could cry at any moment. so on edge and so hormonal I think! Its like a minefield at the moment just getting through a day without annoying or upsetting myself let alone anyone else!
Last night was a bit of a toughie as Baby Bear decided to howl just as we sat down with dinner and not settle even though she was almost falling back to sleep. I've got to admit I did the bad mummy thing and picked her up - normally we don't which is why we have a baby that once is in bed self settles and goes to sleep. Her cry was unlike any I've previously heard from her so when she didn't settle or stop crying when I picked her up I gave her some calpol, I figured possibly some more teeth are attempting to come through but wasn't armed with teething gel at the time, I found a travel pouch thing of calpol so gave her that and then she settled back down. She woke at 2am just for her dummy and then was awake and making noise from 7am.
I refused to get up as Daddy Panda said he would sort her out in the morning, although by the time he heard her or decided to do anything about it it was too late I was awake and once again in a foul mood. I'm yet to have a full nights sleep and it is really getting to me now. there's only so much trying to sleep I can do! This morning we had a play date with a lovely lady and her 10 month old daughter. We attempted to go to a local cafe but it turns out it didn't open until 11am so we walked up to our local MC Donald's which luckily has a soft play area and we grabbed a drink.
I took Baby Bear round some local charity shops, we picked up some good stuff. Mainly I go to charity shops as at the moment I'm still carrying baby weight and I refuse to buy full priced clothes just to have to buy more when I lose weight - which in all fairness I'm not actually making any effort to lose at the moment! Also we read bedtime stories to Baby Bear every night and I really want her to be confident and used to books, she currently has two bookcases full of books and a third full of soft toys, I don't think I personally have ever bought her a brand new book, I cant justify spending close and sometimes over £10 for a book I could pick up for a fraction of the price from a charity shop. I also pick up odds and ends for Baby Bears wardrobe from them as she grows so quickly and we're pretty skint its a good way to keep her clothed!
I rang Daddy Panda and got him to come and get Baby Bear at 12.30 as she'd be wanting some lunch and I fancied a bit of alone time, all I did was catch a bus down to the next village and have a wander in the shops. I decided to treat myself to a latte from Costa but walked in to a massive queue so treated myself to some Marks and Spencer's welsh cakes instead! These are one of my favourite sweet treats and I don't know why no where but Marks and Spencer's sell them! Maybe its because were not in Wales?
I came home to big smiles from Baby Bear and then wrote this! I really want to talk about a programme that aired on BBC Three last night called "Is breast best?" but in all honesty I couldn't watch it, for one I'm not keen on the presenter and then I was appalled by the young people they were talking to about breast feeding, - these mums didn't seem to be a real representative of young mums and I'm sure many were just as disgusted with their attitude as I was "boobs are for sex not for babies" as if! I'm a failed breast feeder due to my bodies inability to make milk - who knew that having a huge piece of placenta left in your uterus would make breastfeeding a million times harder! I ended up feeling like rubbish after watching about 10 minutes of the programme and decided I'm not going to let a stupid TV show make me feel bad, it may sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet but... I AM AMAZING! I am, I've not had a total meltdown despite my flashbacks, nightmares and general PTSD induced issues, I have been brave enough to be honest and seek help, and I'm starting to feel more like other mums opposed to feeling segregated from them. I can see more positives than negatives and my daughter is an absolute dream child who is making my life alot easier baby rearing wise than other babies are for their mums. So I'm happy regardless of not breastfeeding and not having a natural birth - stuff it nothing in this life is perfect, were only given what we can cope with.
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