Busy Busy Dummy Free!!!

Just thought I'd do a separate general life post seen as it's been 5 days since I blogged!!!

The reason for the lack of blogging is simply - we've been busy! It's so nice to be having a bit of a life!

We (Baby Bear and I) went to her God Mothers for dinner and it was lovely, Chilean hot dogs, and Baby Bear sat in a grown up chair! Very cute and thankfully she was well behaved!!! I love how Granny R (Godmothers Mum) adores Baby Bear and literally treats her as her own grandchild, Baby Bear loves her!

We made the big decision to get rid of the dummy's! Baby Bear is only 10 and a half months but the scale was starting to tip - she was waking multiple times a night just for her dummy. We started by removing it from car journeys as she normally falls asleep quickly whilst traveling - it was a success, so the next step was while out in the pram which seems so far to have gone well. We then stepped up our game and removed it at bedtime - ekkkkk! It's actually gone really well, yes she's cried a bit more at bed time but she's settling better and better as the nights go on, the last two nights she's slept through from 8pm until 6am ish, which is earlier than usual but shes doing well so I cant really complain. She's falling into a deeper sleep as on the times she has waken its so different to how she used to. Its little snuffly muffled noises opposed to full pelt I'm being murdered screaming! Nap times are possibly the worst as its day light but were getting there. Daddy Panda struggles a lot more with this but Baby Bear has always played up for him at bedtime - she knows Daddy will let her get away with a bit more than Mummy.

Yesterday we went to a christening - Baby Bears cousin. It was really bizarre as the second we walked in I realised the dress is the same as Baby Bears christening dress - good taste must run in the family! It was lovely and the Priest was really good, it's one of the best christening services I've been to as it didn't feel like it was an auto pilot service. There were mentions to the family's relationship with the church and other religious ceremonies.

Afterwards we went to the pub - of course! It was a roasting day but we ate the curry provided none the less! Baby Bear had a 3 course meal - sandwiches to start, curry for a main followed by a huge amount of grapes and melon! We had applied factor 50 sunscreen to her before leaving the house but reapplied it after her dinner and off we went to play outside! Daddy Panda decided to play football with his brother and some of the older children. What a mistake for him to make - he was wearing smart shoes with little grip and within 10 minutes he'd fallen over and quite badly damaged his hands. I didn't see it all happen but shortly afterwards he came over with 3 tiny plasters and two hands covered in pulsating blood!

Freak out time! My stomach was turning and in my head I just kept thinking "don't freak out", I was surrounded by Daddy Panda's family and I couldn't let them see me in my true freak out mode. Instead from somewhere - I'm not sure where - I pulled a pretty decent act out of my bag! Daddy Panda said it was burning so i placed two baby wipes over his hands to try and cool it a bit and stem some of the bleeding. It was clear that the plasters supplied were not going to cover it. I popped to the shop across from the pub and thankfully they had travel first aid kits in their seasonal section as they had no plasters or first aid products else where!

Back to the pub where I cleaned up Daddy Panda's hands and wrapped them up! I don't think I did too bad considering I was close to throwing up! The whole section of his palms near his wrist on both hands has no skin left on it and although it is just a graze its a huge surface area and looked disgusting! Am so proud of myself though. This could have been a total breakdown point for me but it wasn't and I even heard someone comment on how good I was! Seems the first aider in me shone through and kicked the crazy me's butt!

Why is it a crime?

Am so fed up of people asking "When are you going to have another?" and then looking at me with disgust when I say I wouldn't have another child! I don't share the nitty gritty with everyone especially not strangers making small talk with me, but why is it so socially unacceptable to only want one child?

I bumped into a neighbour the other day, who saw how crippled by spd I was, and knew I ended up back in hospital. We made small talk, spoke about Baby Bear and the fact her birthday is NEXT MONTH!! She asked when we'd have another and I replied with we wouldn't have another, I feel I'm armed with multiple reasons for this and here's just a few...

1. Its not fair to bring another child into the world when we literally don't have space for them - and are still living with my Mum.
2. Its certainly not fair to Baby Bear to have to risk her Mummy becoming crippled during pregnancy again,
3. I would never risk my life again not now I know just how much I have to live for!

My neighbour then compared me to a fellow neighbour (who since moving to our street has had multiple police raids, her husband has beaten her, she's had twins, she's been driving a stolen car with her children in, her husband has grown drugs in the children's "playhouse" and he's dealt drugs from the property - thankfully he's now in prison after knocking over 25 people in a horrific hit and run and is being detained indefinitely) who is pregnant with her fifth child (she's the same age as me) and said "Ohh look at **** if she can do it you should", I was so angry, I do not want to be compared to people like her, yes I don't work but I already have childcare in place for when Baby Bear goes to school so I can return to work as soon as possible without having to worry about covering the school holidays, school pick ups and drops offs are covered by me and Daddy Panda, and we wont have to rely on benefits to fund our lifestyle! I didn't choose to have Baby Bear but now she's here I'd never jeopardise her quality of life by risking my own life!

I feel really angry as I get lots of questions and advice about having more children, but I'm just not interested! People seem to assume that because Baby Bear is such a good happy content baby that that should be enough for me to have more! Rather insensitively people don't seem to realise (people we know) that i could have been forced to have a hysterectomy - and what if i had, would they still be as tactless to suggest i have another baby then?

Dentist Drama

Once again it seems I cant even achieve the small things in life.

I woke up yesterday morning with killer toothache and a swollen gum! Was agony and I've not been in pain since giving birth! Called the dentist (someone i loathe) and managed to get an appointment for noon.

I must have been driven by the pain as normally the dentist sends me a bit loopy anyway - I put it down to no one ever warning me that having braces removed feels like they're ripping all your teeth out! I was getting slightly panicky so decided to go out and do errands on my way to the dentist.

Went to Aldi for some fresh veggies for Baby Bear - Aldi is really good for value on fresh stuff and its practically our local shop anyway. We then went on to the library to see what books they had on sleep and weaning off dummy's/bottles. Then on our way to the dentist.

Its a fair walk but it helped to walk out some of my fear/panic etc. Managed to get to the dentist early - which was a huge mistake, and registered Baby Bear. My anxiety sky rocketed and the thought of what awaited me was too much. The clinical side of it, the lying on a bed being examined, the lights, the ceiling tiles, that smell.

I was only in the room 5 minutes but I couldn't get out quick enough - be it shaking and crying as I ran out the door. Its moments like that where i realise how truly crappy my life is, and although i got myself there (a huge thing for me as I avoid things that cause high anxiety) I still wasn't in control and didn't cope well, where as normally I'd at least get out the door before crying!

Thankfully there was a light in the tunnel yesterday, Baby Bear's boyfriend (one of them) had his first birthday party! Very exciting as  his mum has been amazing and really helped me feel like a normal mum since meeting her (we went to both primary and secondary school together but our paths never crossed as much as they do now) and its the start of birthday season! Next in line is Baby Bear ekkkkkk!

I am a keen baker although I don't feel my skills are up to business standard - although I do enjoy the practice. I made the Birthday Boy's cake - a number 1 shaped monster in green and yellow. I never realised how difficult it was to find inspiration for boys cakes! Its either football or TV characters. It was nice to see it appreciated - normally my cakes go into my mums work and I never see or hear the yummy noises people make while eating them!

Well Baby Bear has awoke from her nap and I need to get sorted as we have a dinner date with her God Mother!

Fathers Day

Yesterday was a busy one! Fathers Day, Family reunions - or first meetings in some cases, and a lovely little lady's celebration day.

All of which deserve a mention.

Fathers Day - well Daddy Panda has been looking forward to this one since Mothers Day! We had a bit of a grumpy start as Baby Bear had been up in the night and i once again struggled to get to sleep. I used the wake up call to my advantage and went downstairs to decorate the living room. Baby Bear had gotten Daddy Panda a "BEST DADDY" banner with a certificate aswell. Her gift to him was a Spiderman T-shirt and a book for him to read as all men do - on the loo!

We also treated Daddy Panda to a full breakfast - even though it was at lunch time! Baby Bear was more than happy to help eat it! She had some sausage beans and eggy bread, we attempted to give her bacon but she was struggling and if she hadn't licked it all over Daddy Panda was willing to relieve her of it!

In the evening we had plans with Daddy Panda's family, some of whom are over from America. It was the first time some of us were meeting and the first time Baby Bear was meeting everyone as well as her beautiful cousin, who's 6 months older than her. We went for good old pub grub, and to be brutally honest I was disappointed with it, an hours wait for food, no ice, and everyone sat fanning themselves with menu's, yes it was Fathers Day but come on turn the air con on at least!

Baby Bear had a Sunday Roast, and despite me asking for it to be gravy free, it came with gravy! I sent it back - something I've never done before! However when it comes to my daughter I am conscous of what she eats, particularly hidden salt! Her meal came back and it had clearly been stuck in a microwave! The carrots and broccoli were still raw but by this point it was 2 hours after Baby Bears normal dinner time so i gave up the fight, given when shopping Baby Bear like biting the head off bits of broccoli! Thankfully she ate the majority of her dinner - after the custom "I'll chuck this bit on the floor" routine.

Baby Bear can be a bit of a nightmare when off routine and she doesn't cope very well at all, we only go off routine once in a blue moon so it's not too bad but we're very aware of her dislike of change. If its 8.10pm and she's not in bed the "grogs" take over and she becomes a screaming tantruming child, so during the meal I was overall impressed with how she coped, she wasn't perfect but what do you expect from a hungry tired 10 month old?

Baby Bear was recognised whilst we were out, by someone Daddy Panda used to work with (someone I've not met) so it was a bit odd as Daddy Panda was at the bar! I think Baby Bears cuteness is infamous now and she will be recognised before her parents for a long time. We had a lovely time and got some gorgeous snaps of the babies together (shall hopefully upload one after I've spoken to the family).

We made it home for 10pm and Baby Bear was clearly tired but surprisingly didn't fall asleep in the car! Bedtime became a bit of a trial but once she was in her cot she knew it was going to be ok. I stupidly thought "wahooooo lie in tomorrow", how foolish of me? 7am and she was awake! Thankfully she's having a nap now and hopefully it'll be a long one.

Due to the huge distance between us and Daddy Panda's family they weren't aware of what happened to me. It was kind of nice to have someone look at me like a normal mum for once! Conversation naturally flowed round to children, for Grandad how did it feel for his children to be all grown up, and does he not want anymore? For me it was "when are you having a second" thankfully Daddy Panda jumped in to my rescue with the answer of "we'd adopt the next one". I have never loved him more, he saved me from having to answer but also said something that reassured me our future is on the same page.

From this of course came the questions as to why we would choose not to have more children, so we briefly explained that I was seriously ill after having Baby Bear and for us she is the most important thing in the world and it's not fair to her for us to risk it all again. She deserves a Mummy and a Daddy and as long as its within our power we will be there for her.

Yesterday was also an amazing friends, Daughters celebration day, we had wanted to be there and up until Friday we were still trying. I'm desperate for someone to develop some form of teleportation device, so getting from Manchester to Aberdeen is easier! It seems long distance travel with a small child is impossible! The timings just dont work!
I'm sure the day was beautiful and I know they felt our love and support despite the distance.

and of course the talk turns to trauma.

It seems in this house nothing ever seems to be a "normal" conversation.

We've just watched an old episode of CSI:NY, and Daddy Panda didn't realise that Mac's wife was killed in the 9/11 tragedy (in the plot) so it lead to some discussion, as the episode showed how Mac and his wife came to be in NY.

This led to a conversation about how "you cant blame yourself for things you can't foresee" the conversation continued and we spoke about "blame" and how life can be so completely different despite the best intentions. This then led my thoughts to what happened to me.

Now I have hindsight - I'd never have another baby, the question is can I be blamed for that? Also I started to question what the "culprits" of my birth trauma think and feel. Do they blame themselves for what happened to me? Do they even know the extent to which their mistake has affected my life?

I'm sat here wondering if my experience has affected them, did they doubt their ability to do their job? Did they become more alert in their job role? I want to know if their life changed as mine did? Do they go home at night and find they're so wracked with guilt about what could have been that they don't sleep?

It's a family affair

Overall today has been GOOD!

Wahoooooooooooo!

Who'd have thought it hey? Good days are possible.

We've spent the afternoon with Daddy Panda's Dad and his family, including Baby Bears favourite family member - Kia the dog!

Baby Bear just adores her, they play fetch together and I'm totally convinced that in a past life my daughter must have been a dog! Baby Bear decided to share her lunch with the dog, much to Kia's delight.

It's been a nice chilled day and I love being able to spend it with loving and supportive family, sadly not all our family members are like that. It's Fathers Day tomorrow, and due to Daddy Panda's Uncle being on a rare visit to the UK were having dinner together. I can't wait they'll be three Daddy's round one table!

I cant really say much about our Fathers Day plans but am excited to share it with Daddy Panda, it's his first fathers day and I'm hoping its filled with good memories and not tainted by my trauma.

Cant Sleep Wont Sleep

Urghhhhhh.

Another night where I just cant sleep! Clearly I haven't learnt that taking a shower before bed is not the best thing to do. I now feel sick and shaky, my legs feel like their covered in jam and no amount of washing is getting rid of it. I just want to sleep it all away. I hate that I'm so self pitying at the moment. I'm stronger than this! Why am I so emotional?

I am close to tears, all I wanted is to have a full nights sleep! I don't want to have to take this pill and that pill and be a walking zombie just to sleep and get through the day.

It's not fair, my daughter deserves better, she didn't ask for this and neither did I!

I want to fall into bed exhausted from a day full of fun and joy, not exhausted from just trying to function. I want to do more, I want to enjoy more, instead of feeling so bittersweet about it all. My daughter is beautiful and hilarious and everyone loves her happy little soul but every new thing she learns is painful to me. I cant stop thinking "I could have missed this"

Sometimes I think "Why God" other times I think "How did the medical staff make such a big mistake" I'm a woman of faith and to be questioning things like this is hard for me.

I don't believe the staff were malicious, I think they were just human, like the rest of us and haven't we all made a mistake at work, in life?

I'm sickened by the images in my head, images that I'm sure are worse than the actual event was. I've spoken to my mum previously about how I felt now looking back I was screaming alot when in reality I was calm. It's funny how time changes your perception.

Everyone seems to say "time heals" well in my case it doesn't, it makes it worse.

I'm dedicating so much of my daily life to this one incident and I wish I wasn't.

I just want to be normal!

I just want to worry about normal mummy stuff!

grumpy mummy

Arghhhh I feel so bad! Baby Bear has done my head in tonight, basically all she's done is be a baby! Toys everywhere and all she wants to do is drink daddy's beer and destroy the laptop!

Decided to take her for a bath and let her show off her skills to Daddy Panda, She can now crawl up stairs (only with supervision) and instead of listening to me he carried her up to the bathroom! RAURGHHHH! Managed to get him to bath her though thus avoiding the bathroom for another day while I pottered about and cleaned the hall carpet where Baby Bear decided to do a wee before bath time!

Feeling really tired now and frustrated but its the weekend now and Daddy Pandas off! Yay! Hopefully it'll be a good enough day tomorrow to go for a walk, we have plenty of bread to feed the ducks! Daddy Panda's family are over so hopefully we'll have a family meal on Sunday with 3 daddy's at the same table! Then it'll be back to work for Daddy Panda and back to coping with my demons alone on Monday.

tears at bedtime

Well, there were tears at bedtime in this house last night.

We (Daddy Panda and I) watched the Tonight show - Maternity in Crisis. Obviously it was going to be upsetting but I felt I needed to watch. A fellow Birth Trauma Mummy told me it was on as she featured in it. I was shocked and upset by the stories it told, but felt reassured that I had made the right choice re: telling my story to Panorama.

One of the most shocking stories on there was about how a father lost his wife and child due to the lack of care, it was heartbreaking for me as the words "kidney and liver failure" were used and were caused by the neglect of the midwifes and failure to spot a serious complication, the same situation I found myself in less than a year ago.

To see so clearly a man who was in love so broken made me want to hold Daddy Panda all the more and tell him how much I loved him and our Baby Bear, and although I was nearly taken from them I'm here and that's all that matters now.

I spoke to my Mum this morning about it (she was working and missed it) and it clearly upset her too, its understandable though isn't it? That could have been me, all that was in it was a matter of minutes, possibly even seconds. Nothing will ever remove that all I can do now is look to the future and make the best out of my "lot"

Also I best tell you about Panorama hey? It all came about thanks to BTA, they were looking for people to speak to the media and my story has previously been in Pregnancy and Birth, I'm far from a fame hungry 24 year old who you see on Big Brother, but I feel there's a need to put it out there and do all I can to help women avoid this situation and also inform them that there is help and hope out there. I submitted my story and someone from the BBC got back to me, they were keen to share my story and liked my attitude. They came and we filmed and were now in the process of getting hold of birth notes etc.

The process actually kick started me into seeking answers, and more importantly becoming fully informed about what happened and why. I don't blame anyone for what happened, sometimes I'm angry and sometimes I'm not, sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I'm not. All I can do is take each day as it is.

I would like to just disappear, am sick of having to avoid the blinking bathroom!

I hate this, hate living like this because I dont actually feel like I'm living. I've just had yet another flashback, and really all I want to do is to close my eyes and for it to all go away, but now I have visions of hospitals, blood, carparks, and that feeling of nausea and faintness comes rushing back.

I really need a shower - have needed one since Monday evening - its now Thursday but I just cant bear to go into the bathroom which when ever I'm there I just see it covered in blood, my blood. I cant get into the shower because my legs always feel sticky, like they did and nothing ever seems to take that away.

I do what I have to, I bathe my daughter and wash her hair but if I can get her Daddy to do it I will, I just hate that room, thank God for the downstairs loo!

its been a while.

Well hasn't it just. I feel awful for having neglected this for as long as I have. The truth of it is, it got too much, there was too much going on and I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it.

so I'm starting a fresh, from today!

Were in the middle of sorting baby bears christening/first birthday party! I can not believe its nearly been a year! some days I think I'm doing really well other times I think I'm a crap mum and I'm not coping at all.

I don't feel like a normal mum, but I try very hard to tell myself, no I'm not a "normal" mum, I'm a birth trauma mum, who's lucky enough to have not just been blessed with my daughters life but also my own, I am here thanks to the amazing medical staff at the hospital, and due to God wanting me here.

Its hard to be positive all the time but I've got to live, I cant squander this chance. I don't want my daughter to suffer because I'm not coping.