Hello!!!

No post yesterday, mainly because Daddy Panda wangled an extra day off wahoooo - which he used to annoy the hell out of me! I didn't feel it was fair to him for me to come on here and have a grumble about it when really he puts up with a lot and does alot for me and Baby Bear and really it was just little things that after 3 days together were getting to me!

Once again Daddy Pandas Mum claimed she would be coming to see Baby Bear this weekend - once again she failed to keep her promise and I think this hasn't helped me be less on edge. I really want to write to her and tell her exactly what I think and exactly what she needs to do if she wants to have the right to call herself "Grandma". Still no word from Daddy Panda's brother who I messaged last week inviting him round on Wednesday! Another one I really want to lay the law down with! Am questioning if its all worth it? All it will achieve is a load of grief for Daddy Panda and I'm pretty sure he's feeling as angry and hurt by it as I am!

Today incase you haven't heard is possibly one of the most important football matches for my home town! Manchester City v Manchester Utd at Wembly! Football fever has definitely hit the city more so than the royal wedding! I'm sure if you'd given my street an option to have a street party today they'd have leapt at it! My neighbour let off 11 blue and white balloons at kick off - although it was a spectacular fail as there's no wind and they just fell to the floor!

Were a strong city family, and my brother has travelled down from Durham to watch the match with Mancunians and will be staying with us for a few days, which I'm sure Baby Bear will love! Shes changed so much since he last saw her and we'll be going up to his house on Easter Sunday and hopefully we'll get to spend some time with my nephew!

Today has been lovely weather wise and we made the most of it - we took Baby Bear to a bring and buy sale where we snapped up some clothes for both her and my nephew - 6 items for £1! We bought some toys, including a ladybird on a stick push along toy for the grand price of 10p! We then wandered up a bit more and visited Chorlton's Green Festival! We stumbled upon it last year when I was pregnant and its really a community event. This year it was bigger and better - it had beer! It also had Cbeebies Mr Bloom! Sadly Baby Bear had fallen asleep by this point - its a shame really as she loves his singing vegetables!

Once we got home we decided to do the garden, my mum cut the grass and then me and Baby Bear laid out the blankets and played in the garden! We had a play and Baby Bear did her normal trick of crawling away to get at the grass! We've decided to drop the third bottle during the day so now she's just having one when she wakes up and one at bed, judging by the amount she eats and how long she's been going between meals we don't feel she needs it anymore, instead we've swapped it for juice and a snack. Today's snack was served in the garden and it was Baby Bears favourite - JELLY! She absolutely loves it and was jumping up and down to get it in quicker!

I'm baking lots of treats for my best friends birthday tea party - which happens to be on the same day as the royal wedding, and whilst feeding Baby Bear jelly in the garden i had a brain wave - jelly's in tea cups! I think it'd be lovely so i am now on the hunt for nice tea cups and saucers! Sadly we saw two sets today we could have picked up if my brain had been functioning but never mind, my mums off school this week so thankfully have access to a car if i stumble across some on my travels, and my travels may be a little wider this week!

Well I'm off to eBay to search for more tea party goodies - have just bought a lovely white 6 tier cake stand! Now to look for lovely cake cases!

Well today were having a nice quiet day. We went to the local park and after my blog the other day where I said I was lucky to have so much green space near by I thought I'd upload some pictures from today's walk. The weathers nice enough no sun though so the park was quite bar the usual dog walkers. I'm posting this whilst waiting for Daddy Panda's Dad to come pick us up as we'll spend the rest of the day there.

I love blossoms!

SQUIRREL!

Who knew there was a bird watching hut in our local park?

When I was a child I'm sure this was a fully flowing stream but I may be wrong!

Huge grassy bits and this isn't even the football field!

From bud to bloom!

How amazing is this unusual lady bird - I've never seen one with this colouring before!

The Old Bandstand.

Last of the Daffies!

Closer shot of The Old Bandstand

This is a picture of the play area so far not a single one of my local friends has any clue how any child is meant to play on this part. Daddy Panda described it as "like a car that's crashed into a bus stop and this is what was left behind".

I don't really know what word would describe today, Its been good but I still feel like I could cry at any moment. so on edge and so hormonal I think! Its like a minefield at the moment just getting through a day without annoying or upsetting myself let alone anyone else!

Last night was a bit of a toughie as Baby Bear decided to howl just as we sat down with dinner and not settle even though she was almost falling back to sleep. I've got to admit I did the bad mummy thing and picked her up - normally we don't which is why we have a baby that once is in bed self settles and goes to sleep. Her cry was unlike any I've previously heard from her so when she didn't settle or stop crying when I picked her up I gave her some calpol, I figured possibly some more teeth are attempting to come through but wasn't armed with teething gel at the time, I found a travel pouch thing of calpol so gave her that and then she settled back down. She woke at 2am just for her dummy and then was awake and making noise from 7am.

I refused to get up as Daddy Panda said he would sort her out in the morning, although by the time he heard her or decided to do anything about it it was too late I was awake and once again in a foul mood. I'm yet to have a full nights sleep and it is really getting to me now. there's only so much trying to sleep I can do! This morning we had a play date with a lovely lady and her 10 month old daughter. We attempted to go to a local cafe but it turns out it didn't open until 11am so we walked up to our local MC Donald's which luckily has a soft play area and we grabbed a drink.

I took Baby Bear round some local charity shops, we picked up some good stuff. Mainly I go to charity shops as at the moment I'm still carrying baby weight and I refuse to buy full priced clothes just to have to buy more when I lose weight - which in all fairness I'm not actually making any effort to lose at the moment! Also we read bedtime stories to Baby Bear every night and I really want her to be confident and used to books, she currently has two bookcases full of books and a third full of soft toys, I don't think I personally have ever bought her a brand new book, I cant justify spending close and sometimes over £10 for a book I could pick up for a fraction of the price from a charity shop. I also pick up odds and ends for Baby Bears wardrobe from them as she grows so quickly and we're pretty skint its a good way to keep her clothed!

I rang Daddy Panda and got him to come and get Baby Bear at 12.30 as she'd be wanting some lunch and I fancied a bit of alone time, all I did was catch a bus down to the next village and have a wander in the shops. I decided to treat myself to a latte from Costa but walked in to a massive queue so treated myself to some Marks and Spencer's welsh cakes instead! These are one of my favourite sweet treats and I don't know why no where but Marks and Spencer's sell them! Maybe its because were not in Wales?

I came home to big smiles from Baby Bear and then wrote this! I really want to talk about a programme that aired on BBC Three last night called "Is breast best?" but in all honesty I couldn't watch it, for one I'm not keen on the presenter and then I was appalled by the young people they were talking to about breast feeding, - these mums didn't seem to be a real representative of young mums and I'm sure many were just as disgusted with their attitude as I was "boobs are for sex not for babies" as if! I'm a failed breast feeder due to my bodies inability to make milk - who knew that having a huge piece of placenta left in your uterus would make breastfeeding a million times harder! I ended up feeling like rubbish after watching about 10 minutes of the programme and decided I'm not going to let a stupid TV show make me feel bad, it may sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet but... I AM AMAZING! I am, I've not had a total meltdown despite my flashbacks, nightmares and general PTSD induced issues, I have been brave enough to be honest and seek help, and I'm starting to feel more like other mums opposed to feeling segregated from them. I can see more positives than negatives and my daughter is an absolute dream child who is making my life alot easier baby rearing wise than other babies are for their mums. So I'm happy regardless of not breastfeeding and not having a natural birth - stuff it nothing in this life is perfect, were only given what we can cope with.

Baby Bear is asleep, with one sock on - I cant for the life of me find the other one! It must be somewhere amongst the mess Baby Bears created! I truly can't be bothered to tidy it up as the second she wakes it'll be back in its current state!

Am not having the best of days today, had barely any sleep and to add to my grumpiness its "that" time of the month! I hate it, I used to breeze through them but since the trauma I feel physically sick the whole time and terrified that it wont end. I actually limit toilet visits so I don't have to see the blood. I'm shaking just writing about it and thinking about it! It feels like the trauma was in a past life now but then once a month it becomes scarily real again!

Am incredibly tired and actually cant concentrate enough to type any more! Might post again later if anything exciting happens!

I'm hoping that i can officially say "Today has been WONDERFUL!"

My mummy friend came round for lunch and a play date, her baby boy is just adorable! He's roughly 6 weeks younger than Baby Bear and gave his mum a bit of a shock when he came 4 weeks early! He's a lovely giggly little boy and its so nice to have boy about for Baby Bear to play with. Most of Baby Bears friends and similar aged family members are girls and as much as she loves all people, boys are definitely a favourite!

We had a lovely chilled out lunch the babies had their first "lunch date" and Baby Boy even met Daddy Panda, not bad going considering its the first time he's been to our house! Daddy Panda seemed quite taken with him especially as he got big smiles from him as well as Baby Bear! We walked on to the park after lunch and i realise just how lucky i am to have so much green space surrounding us considering how close to the town centre we are. Sadly the park was showing the effects of a sunny weekend, lots of litter and sadly a bit of fly tipping too! Someone abandoned a broken pushchair on one of the much used football pitches, soon after we passed a graffittied bench which had what must have been a stolen smashed up mobile phone! We had a big long walk chatting away and ended up at the swings! It was Baby Boy's first go in a swing and he acted all cool and chilled in it! Baby Bear giggled away to herself from the second she was put in her swing! We captured some lovely pictures of the two of them and it was so nice!

Daddy Panda finally heard about the job interview - He got it! YAY!!! It's working in an express stores bakery so means early starts -5.30am but it also means he's going to be home for EVERY bed time!!! We'll be able to establish a proper family routine and he gets Fridays and Saturdays off which to me is wonderful! We get one weekend day which means we can be a bit more like other families but with having the Friday off we still get the perks of going swimming when its not jam packed or going shopping and play centres when they're not heaving! Very excited about this and really hope it means life is finally going to get better!!!

I feel like my facebook page often reads like an episode of Jeremy Kyle! A relative who has a young baby has discovered her partner has stolen the babies money without her even knowing. Once again she's slagging him off on facebook and although he's not Mr perfect they're both parents and although young their both adults, they made a baby together and really need to stop being so stupid and childish and put the child they made together first! I know its not easy but my gosh if I can do it I'm sure they can!

Baby Bear has been very cute this evening and has practiced crawling a bit more, she ended the day belly flopped out on the living room floor, bib in one hand and falling asleep. Unbelievably cute, it was only 8.10pm which goes to show she literally cant go half an hour over her bedtime! Am so glad she has such a good routine and she tends to cope quite well with small changes to it during the day, I'm getting the feeling that soon we'll be able to drop the afternoon bottle but really want to encourage her to drink other fluids, yesterday she had a whole sippee cup of very watery juice, but today she's managed just under half - am thinking that's to do with it being much cooler today but despite constantly offering it her I don't know how else to encourage her to drink it!

A friend from my on line forum has ended up in hospital this week, due to an abscess in her boob! I feel so bad for her as she's been amazing through every stage and astounded me by going back to work not long after her daughters birth, I want so desperately for my mummy friends lives's to work out and for baby rearing to be easy for them as they all deserve it! Their babies are wonderful and I am immensely proud of them!

Well of too watch a bit of TV and then make dinner for when Daddy Panda gets home from work! Only 2 weeks until he starts his new job!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm so angry!!! We've been to the family Sunday lunch today and as always my aunt has found a way to make my blood boil! The short of it is she's booked a 4 day holiday (in the UK) starting on Baby Bears Birthday! So angry about it as we've been saying since Christmas we're planning to get her christened on her birthday to do the two at once as we really feel it'll be a good time to start as a fresh without all the horrid stuff we've had to work through this year! I cant believe she's going on holiday - she was away in America last year when Baby Bear was born and as a result made no effort to come see her until their paths crossed as my gran had a stroke (gran lives very close to us). I know some people will think I should get over it and its no big deal but it is, it really is! The same aunt previously asked her cousins children (same age range as me) to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me, and then uninvited Daddy Panda!

The lunch went well Baby Bear was doted on by my cousins - both boys who spent most of their time trying to make her laugh! We ordered our food as soon as we'd chosen as its a pay when you order type place and we did this so Baby Bears food would be first so it could hopefully cool before everyone elses came, however it didn't happen like that and Baby Bears was one of the last out! As soon as she saw our plates she was reaching out trying to get some rice from Daddy Panda and chips from Mummy Tiddles! We ordered her fish fingers and chips, her first taste of both, sadly the kids menu was limited as to food she would eat - everything has to be pick up-able so anything too wet is a no go! I also packed food she could eat if there was nothing on the menu or she didn't take it but she did so i was very proud of her. We ordered her pudding - jelly, as Daddy Panda likes jelly and would finish off what ever was left so for £1.45 it was worth it, turns out Baby Bear wanted the whole lot! Greedy girl!

We sat out in the sun for a while with Baby Bear wearing a lovely big sunhat that I am in love with! We came home and started the epic challenge of putting all of Baby Bears "stuff" into storage! Well there's a lot of it! About 5 big vac bags full of outgrown clothes, a play nest, bouncer, bath seat, play mat, travel play mat, toys, cot top changer, moses basket and stand, breast pumps, and god knows what else! Mummy Tiddles, Daddy Panda and Granny were on the team and thankfully mainly due to sorting it out as we went along over the last 8 months, it took about 10 minutes to get it all put in the loft! WELL DONE TEAM!

Baby Bear is really taking steps towards walking and last night during bath time she finally got both feet under her and pulled her chubby little self up to standing! She then let go of the bath handles because she was so excited so I had hold of her and she just laughed her head off the whole time she was standing! She's so amazing and now she's attempting it when ever she can! Sadly we don't have much in the living room for her to practice on but she tries it when sitting in her cot - something that only happens when I'm putting her clothes away! Until she learns to get herself to sitting we're still safe but as soon as she manages that she'll be standing up in the mornings when she wakes up - then of course comes the climbing out of the cot! So am happy for her to be taking her time!

Daddy Panda's mum rang to inform us she's sick and wouldn't be coming after all this weekend - what a surprise! I knew I needn't get my hopes up that she'd actually be interested in her granddaughter but its most definitely her loss not mine! Tomorrow we have an at home play date, as someones coming to do our gas safety check but they couldn't give us an approximate time so its a wait in all day event! Boooo hiss!

Oh also in an event that could only happen to me, I was taking the recycling out last night in the dark and just slipped my ballet pumps on and ran out - only to encounter a hedgehog! It was not a pleasant meeting as I strode into him and ended up kicking him up the bum! poor thing balled up and prickled the hell out of my foot! It drew blood and I now have countless pinprick marks on my foot!

Well, no post yesterday - bad mummy! To be totally honest I just couldn't face it. I feel like crying now but I really couldn't be bothered yesterday, and the bad mood has put me into a downer today, I'm sure its some sort of cycle!

Yesterday there was a local blood donor session but as I couldn't give blood I roped a friend into doing it for me! I'm very proud of her, even though when they tested her iron was too low but to be honest it meant more to me that she would try! She has two lovely boys and she was the only one of my friends to actually man up and attempt it, so am feeling very let down that even though I have lots of "friends" not one of them would actually do something for me and help give back to a service that saved my life TWICE!!!

Anyway to positive things, we took the babies to the park and sat and played and Baby Bear had her first date with a boy! Very cute and they seemed to have a good old chinwag and it was nice to just be out of the house taking advantage of lovely weather! We stayed in the park for a few hours and got home around 5pm-ish. Daddy Panda was home early-ish (6.30pm) so he got lots of time with happy Baby Bear before bedtime.

Daddy Panda's Mum aka MIL had rung during the week to day she was planning a visit to Manchester without her husband and would she be able to come and see Baby Bear on Saturday or Sunday - I was over the moon! I wish MIL would come more often, I have no issues with her what so ever and really want her to feel like she's Baby Bears Grandma, not just a person she see's at birthdays and Christmas. Baby Bear is such a pleasant baby but it takes her a while to form true relationships with people, it took a long time for Grandad and her to get on but Grandad persevered and now it can be weeks until we see him but she knows its her Grandad! It's the same with my uncle, he was the first member of my family to arrive at hospital to see her when she was born and he tries to come round once a month if he can, I'm sure he'd be here every week if he could. I think this is why i just don't understand why MIL and BIL (Daddy Panda's brother) don't come round more often.

Baby Bear is growing fast and looks like her next target is to pull herself to standing - she's already half way there! She's currently eating her lunch, today its soft cheese on crackers and cucumber. I'm really struggling with new meal idea's for her, especially food's to take out and about with us! She point blank refuses puree' and jar food now and often its a struggle to get her to take yogurt off a spoon! She's so fiercely independent its hard to remember she's just 8 months old!

Tomorrow is an exciting day as my Mum's family are getting together for a pub lunch! Were hoping to re-jig Baby Bears schedule a little bit, she'll have breakfast and bottle as normal, but were hoping to move her after nap bottle to 12.30pm so she'd full until 2pm when were meeting for lunch, as even if she eats her normal lunch at home no one will get any peace at 2pm if she's not eating with us! I hope it works, she's such a grump when her routines messed with, she literally doesn't tolerate staying up even half an hour past bed time! After Emmerdale is very firmly bottle and bed time, and on the occasions we've been out to a wedding or at a friends for dinner she's a grizzly little thing the whole time were out and for the next few days afterwards! Am hoping by keeping the morning and bedtime routine the same she wont be too troublesome!

Today I attempted to find some friends to go to the park with, it turns out I have none! It is a Saturday after all and to be fair to them, most work Mon-Fri 9-5 so weekends especially sunny ones become family/partner time, which then leaves me with just Baby Bear for company as Daddy Panda doesn't often get a weekend day off let alone two in a row! Occasionally he has a Mon and Tues off which is good as we can go swimming and its not jam packed but does make me feel more isolated and very down in the dumps. I can tell myself the reality is I have lots of friends but some days its hard to feel the love. Hopefully though tomorrow will cheer me up as there'll be quite a bit of catching up to do with some family members and most haven't seen Baby Bear for a while so it'll be nice to show her off! Hopefully I might even feel proud of myself for doing such a good job with her or I might just still feel rubbish!

Well that's it, Baby Bear's finished her lunch now so I'm off to clean the carnage up and finish writing the shopping list - highlight of the day today is doing the tesco's shop! Oh how exciting!