Cant Sleep Wont Sleep

Urghhhhhh.

Another night where I just cant sleep! Clearly I haven't learnt that taking a shower before bed is not the best thing to do. I now feel sick and shaky, my legs feel like their covered in jam and no amount of washing is getting rid of it. I just want to sleep it all away. I hate that I'm so self pitying at the moment. I'm stronger than this! Why am I so emotional?

I am close to tears, all I wanted is to have a full nights sleep! I don't want to have to take this pill and that pill and be a walking zombie just to sleep and get through the day.

It's not fair, my daughter deserves better, she didn't ask for this and neither did I!

I want to fall into bed exhausted from a day full of fun and joy, not exhausted from just trying to function. I want to do more, I want to enjoy more, instead of feeling so bittersweet about it all. My daughter is beautiful and hilarious and everyone loves her happy little soul but every new thing she learns is painful to me. I cant stop thinking "I could have missed this"

Sometimes I think "Why God" other times I think "How did the medical staff make such a big mistake" I'm a woman of faith and to be questioning things like this is hard for me.

I don't believe the staff were malicious, I think they were just human, like the rest of us and haven't we all made a mistake at work, in life?

I'm sickened by the images in my head, images that I'm sure are worse than the actual event was. I've spoken to my mum previously about how I felt now looking back I was screaming alot when in reality I was calm. It's funny how time changes your perception.

Everyone seems to say "time heals" well in my case it doesn't, it makes it worse.

I'm dedicating so much of my daily life to this one incident and I wish I wasn't.

I just want to be normal!

I just want to worry about normal mummy stuff!